Tuesday, November 20, 2007

NYE

B and I had dinner tonight and it was difficult and sad and fun and heartbreaking.

I asked for this dinner date. We need to break up, even though we have been separated for years. We NEED to break up. We revert to each other when the going gets tough, but only one of us is honest. B told me tonight that he is the most "real" with me than he is with anyone and he didn't believe we could ever really break up. I became uncharacteristically emotional, in public, which I loathe, and as tears streamed down my face, I begged him to let me and us go.

I should add here that I did get his John Hancock on the documents, although I still need to get them notarized, but again, I was crying in public. Fucking A.

I cried for one reason. I loved this man for the better part of my early adulthood. I knew and know him, and our marriage didn't break up for want of love. We love each other. I will always love B. Always. I will miss parts of him and us for the rest of my life. I don't want him back - at least as we were, and I can't imagine anything else - but it is so very difficult to let go of someone who defined you adulthood. We are each others touchstones, and we can no longer do that. Not fair to anyone.

At one point tonight, B asked me about MRE. I deflected and smiled, but B said "K, I think you took a body blow. Are you okay?" Again, tears down the face, in public, and I begged him to change the subject. B grabbed me, hugged me tight, whispered in my ear that he would always love me, and I pulled back, aghast. I told him that while it was clear that I have emotions just under the skin, those were my fucked up feelings. I certainly didn't need affirmation from him. I know. I know that B fucked up our relationship and worse, rather than right the wrongs, he avoided. I know this shit. I also know that B only bears half of the responsibility for the demise of us. He feels so guilty about killing a relationship that was already buried. I owe him that absolution.

I gave B an expiration date for us. He can no longer call me to shoot the shit next year, as I know his GF would be terribly hurt to know her BF was sneaking off to call or meet me. But mostly, this expiration date is for me. I will always love him, but I cannot continue to be his touchstone, as he has long since past been mine.

I will always love him. I accept that. I just need to stop thinking of him as family.

1 comment:

Andrea said...

I loved this man for the better part of my early adulthood. I knew and know him, and our marriage didn't break up for want of love. We love each other. I will always love B. Always. I will miss parts of him and us for the rest of my life.

*sigh* I know what you are going through, and I am so sorry.

I'll level with you and say that the only thing that makes it hurt less is time. Eventually you will be able to see without that filter.