Friday, December 29, 2006

Eye of the Storm

I think I survived it.

Today, I got the phone call I expected for at least a year. The one where B threatened me and rattled all of his chains. The one where I was scared to death.

I don't reach out. I did. I IM'ed the right folks and K and J were here within half an hour*. We got all of his shit out (I'm really downplaying my state of fear) and I am still here. I got a text from him (after I very nicely explained that I wanted to give him the key and hadn't taken anything from him) which was incredibly rude, menacing and basically gave me all of his shit. Including that which I had packed up earlier in the day. Outstanding. I'll spend my next wifetime trying to figure out how someone could be so cruel to someone who hadn't even tried to hurt them. People are nuts.

I am really le tired and I think my poor body and soul needs a nap. I think I am okay and feel remarkably positive. I hate that it came to this and hope this whole thing will pass, but at the end of the day, I maintained a sense of class and integrity, even if it is utterly disregarded. I am long past the loss of the man I was once married to, as he no longer exists even in my imagination. I just pray that his ghost leaves me the fuck alone.

* A special shout out to K and J. Truer friends, I'll probably never know. You cannot know how comforting it is to know that within one phone call, you are both out of work and here, ready to help. I am the luckiest girl on the planet to have you both as really good friends.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

State of Affairs

I want to retell this story for posterity, as I glossed over it earlier. And if this is ever made into a book or movie, you can know you read it here first.

Christmas Eve, I awoke early. I hadn't slept much the night before, owing to the sister phone call and other such shit. I really didn't drink that much the night before, as I was already in an alternate reality. Everything was illuminated. Great book, by the way. However, when the sister called, I poured a glass of wine and we had our moment.

I slept into about 9, took the dog for an hour walk and came home. Had another conversation with J in which a few random details were shared. I shared more than I should have, but oh well. Someone needed to know he sucked as a lover. Might as well be the chick I thought had to deal with that. I found myself pouring a martini as we spoke. It was only noon.

By the time we got off the phone, I was a little buzzed. This was 2pm. I took a shower and decided I didn't want any alcohol in my body anymore. I had probably had enough wine over the weekend to supply a small bistro. I was just done.

It was pouring, but I knew I shouldn't drive because of the liquid lunch. I walked the dog into the day care (about fifteen minute walk) and walked the other fifteen to Nordy's. There, I bought myself a kickass Marc Jacobs purse, on B's dime. I sort of regret that now -- not buying it, but on his dime. I have been the classy one in all this. On the other hand, I handled the bills for all of our marriage. He is technically incompetent and probably won't figure it out -- and all of his mail comes here, as the son of a bitch hasn't even changed his address in the past two years. If he ever does figure it out, I have already taken the money out and put it into an envelope. The safe bet is he never figures it out. And I have a little "fuck you."

But the real story is my freak out en route to my folks. I staved the drive off as much as possible, as it was miserable out and I had had alcohol for lunch. I finally left around 8pm and it was a downpour. And I really, really hate driving in the rain at night -- my eyes are just shit and I kept imagining I was going to hit a patch of water and spin out. And my car and me and my dog would be totaled and dead. And B would get my things -- the condo, my savings, the art, my personal stuff.

I full on wigged. I was already holding my breath in the dark spots and already very light-headed. My mind was racing and going faster than the car. All I could think about was him stepping back into our life without consequence. And here's the really bizarre thing -- I was re-obsessing about a bar exam question I missed. On the bar exam, there was a question related to wills and witness signatures. I got it wrong -- I realized that minutes after the bar exam - and I spent two months completely convinced that I wouldn't pass the bar for those 2 points I missed.

Wiggage is weird -- I ended up pulling over at an exit with the only lit gas station I saw. I dug out that legal pad and wrote out a will -- in remarkably detailed fashioned and referencing cases and statutes that no one should know off the top of their head. Thing is, the rule requires that two people witness the testator's (person making the will) signature.

Yes, I went into the gas station, where exactly two people were present. I begged them to sign (that they had witnessed me signing a will) and required their names, ages and addresses. This is more than a little weird to do to anyone, let alone on Christmas Eve, let alone to strangers in a convenience store. Suffice to say, I persuaded them both to sign (carding the self-professed 18 year old who was, in fact, 18) and the convenience store clerk (who reminded me that the whole exchange was being recorded). I bought them both a half rack for their efforts (a misdemeanor caught on tape where the 18 year old was concerned), bought a box of envelopes and a stamp, mailed the will to myself, and then made my way to my parents. I was still white knuckling it, but with about 40% less hyperventilation.

Welcome to my world. This is the face of progress. It just takes a few steps back now and then.

There is more, but I need to walk the dog.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas!

I am wide awake at 3:30 am, but it is a good thing. I need to go to bed, but I wanted to get some thoughts down.

Today was a beginning of sorts. I was wide awake from last night and didn't get any quality REM, and the wine from last night was killing my head. I had a long phone call with J in which I gave her my forgiveness. She deserved it. She has been in a pretty shitty situation, given that her boss -- my soon-to-be-ex -- is dumping an amazing amount of shit on her. She made a choice to keep his secrets, although to her credit, she didn't keep in contact with me during the worst of it. I have a great deal of empathy for all of that, as I know that she, too, fell in love with a person who no longer exists. She really did believe in B but that is gone.

I found out some interesting details. By way of background, two years ago, I asked B to move out when I found out that he had had an affair. I didn't ask for details, other than "is it over?" and "is there anything else about this that will affect me?" I think I knew we were over, but hope, it does die slowly. I never even asked her name, although I came to learn she shared the name of my beloved aunt. Somehow, I filed that away in my head and didn't really think more of it. Denial, she is a powerful river. B told me some story about her being "psycho" (I rolled my eyes and showed him the door) and I really didn't think much more of it.

Apparently, he has been involved with this person consistently throughout our separation, despite claiming he had had to hire an attorney becasue she went nuts. Here's where it gets better -- B has been cheating on his new girlfriend with this person. Awesome. As much despair as I have felt as of late, I haven't fucked my life up the way he has utterly fucked his up his life. I don't wish him any ill will and only want him completely out of my life, but I realied that I will, in fact, survive and win this divorce. Holy shit. All those times he told me that I create strife in my head -- he can do it in real time. Knock yourself out buddy. You are absolutely out of my life.

I drove up to my parents' house tonight (they live overseas, but came home for Christmas). It was a white knuckle drive - I have shitty night vision and it was pouring out. I actually started hyperventilating and feeling light-headed because I was holding my breath during the rough spots. What really concerned me was that if I spun out and had a fatal car crash, B would be entitled to everything. I had a legal pad in the back of my car and ended up pulling over and writing a will. I know how insane that sounds, but yeah - welcome to my world. I am going to write a more comprehensive one next week, but that didn't make the 2 hour drive any easier.

B bought me a Marc Jacobs purse for Christmas. He doesn't know yet, but it is lovely. I thought about buying one for every one I know, but showed restraint.

At the end of the day, I came here and was wrapped in loving arms and support and realized that I missed so much of my life over the past ten years. I didn't even want a drink tonight, as I had so much around me that is real and loving and cool. My brothers? Seriously - no one should be this lucky. My sister is equally kickass (she hasn't made it here yet and I am starting to wonder) and my parents are so supportive. How I managed to ignore these magnificent human beings for years, I'll spend a lifetime regretting.

Merry Christmas to my friends who read this emo blog. I am truly humbled that I have made such good friends who care about me. Those of you that read this -- you need to know this -- I treasure you. More than you could ever know.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Sister Shoutout

Tonight, I rediscovered my belief in God. Allah. Buddah. Whatever. At 2:30am, no less.

I already wrote this post, but my goddamn computer fucked itself in a fury.

I sunk into a crazy false bottom tonight. I was dangerously depressed. I scared myself. I'm not going to go into it in detail, but I realized B's mom was faking it a few days ago and knew B and girl were en route the next day. Everything I knew and trusted was seemingly yanked from beneath me. Why lie? Why bullshit? This after about 10 really cruel text messages from B, getting locked out of my house, etc. I felt useless, worthless and utterly alone. I was literally crushed by my grief. I was convinced my kidneys were giving up, but alas, it was just menstrual cramps. I wanted to die, except I didn't want B to get the condo. Always an attorney, I guess. I am going to redo my will tomorrow. If I get hit by a bus in the interim, please let it be known that I want all of my estate to go to my sister, KC.

Earlier in the day, I made myself get out of the house and I took the dog to the dog park. We were there for two hours - we hiked, ran, walked, etc. I was still overwhelmed with the blue and needed to reach out. I knew I was in over my head and my head was kicking my ass. I NEVER reach out and I knew I needed to. Unfortunately, everyone I reached out to was MIA at that particular moment. And I felt stupid and worthless for needing help. Yes, own worst enemy and all that. I felt so incredibly terrible. Suffocating.

I had called my sister earlier in the day (with whom I am routinely estranged), even though we are currently ON A BREAK and not speaking to each other. KC and I have an odd relationship, in that we are tighter than tight at times and distant ships at others. She is currently mad at me (she is wrong, but I get it and probably deserve her ire) but I needed her. I needed someone. Anyone, preferably, someone who likes me. I am not skilled in the art of reaching out, but I reached out. KC's VM said "the subscriber is unavailabe." I called a few friends, got voice mails and sunk really, really deep into despair.

Don't hate yourself if I called you and got VM. Not your fault......not yours. Seriously -- it isn't your fault. Bad timing and all.

I got home and sort of collapsed in the entirety of it all. B taking the girlfriend home to meet mom. Mom lying and deflecting because she didn't know what to do. Me feeling crazy alone and despondent, ashamed and unfamiliar with this side of depression. High jinx ensued, as I tried to meet a friend for drinks, but in my state of mind, I got locked out.

So here I was, at 2 in the morning, hoping for sleep, and my phone rings. I ignore my phone regularly, but the time of day got my attention.

It was my sister. She saved me. Sure, it was a drunk dial, but it was sincere. I think I sobbed at least three times while I explained that her phone call -- at that time -- was exactly what I needed. My sister saved me tonight -- I was scary depressed and sad and now I know she may be here tomorrow. Honest to God, I believe in karma, but this is different. Her phone call made me believe in a higher power. I have a great family and great friends and I am so lucky. I am LUCKY!

My sister rescued me from a place of such sadness and heartbreak. I have to believe that a higher power put these actions into motion. I have to believe that. I may actually sleep tonight because I feel loved. Thank fucking God.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Victory and False Bottoms, Part Deux

I was actually excited to get this down today, as it was a great day in many ways. And then, of course, the bottom fell out. I've landed on my feet, so I am going to write it down.

I filed for divorce yesterday. It will be final on March 26, 2007. Mark your calendars and buy a ticket to Vegas. It will be a blowout.

The story:

I woke up very early and was sort of buzzing about the house. To paraphrase a cheesy movie, once you realize what you want, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. I ended up running a bunch of errands and getting into the office around noon. The plan was to do a little legal research, then hit the courthouse.

My research led me to a site that actually lets you file for divorce online. Holy shit, the internets rule. It seemed so easy -- you fill out the docs online, they file them in a different county (one that doesn't require a court appearance -- and they take care of everything). Thing is, I already had signed papers and wasn't going to wait for B to sign fresh docs. Although it seemed to be so easy, I decided to just forge ahead and go to the courthouse. I then downloaded some information that strongly cautioned against filing in a different county, so everything felt right. I made five copies of the petition and headed out.

Random: when folks in my office leave for any amount of time, we are encouraged to fill out certain information on this little pad of paper at the front desk. Initials, time out, time expected back, destination, etc. I filled it out and put, as the destination: "the future."

I skipped out of the office and was genuinely feeling excitement. The courthouse is just blocks from my office, so I was there in minutes. I got up to the window and said, in my most courteous voice, "I would like a dissolution please." The gal laughed and I showed her my docs. As it turned out, I needed to fill out a couple of additional forms, so I handed her my credit card and started filling them out. The gal scrunched up her face and informed me that they didn't take cards, just checks and cash, and that there was an ATM on the first floor.

I don't do checks -- at all -- but have a box at my desk. And the filing fee was $250 -- ATMs only give you $200 at a time. I felt the wind going out of my sails, as I needed to walk back to the office and grab my checkbook (or walk the six blocks to my bank for cash). It was sort of deflating, but I was resigned and left the courthouse.

I was probably two feet outside the door when I remembered something. I had a single check in my wallet -- a blank check on B's personal account. I stopped dead in my tracks and thought about it for a few seconds. Would I ever need that check? Should I keep it and just go get my own? No - it seemed too perfect. I turned right around, headed back up to the clerk's office and gave B the pleasure of paying for our divorce. Awesome -- truly awesome. The clerk told me I could schedule a hearing anytime after 90 days to finalize it and I asked her if I could schedule said hearing right then. She seemed a little surprised and said "sure, if you're ready - just set it for 90 days out." I did, and March 26, 2007 is the magic date.

As I left the courthouse, I texted AB with the subject line "FILED" and almost floated back to the office. I felt giddy, relieved and hopeful. I haven't felt that good in so very long. I got back to the office and was wrapped in arms of support -- it truly took me by surprise. It never ceases to amaze me where you find sources of support and friendship*. When I drove home, I heard that song "I Can See Clearly Now The Rain Is Gone" was on the radio and I blasted it and laughed and cried. It was all good.

I picked up the dog, went for a walk and was ready to celebrate with friends. I got a celebratory phone call from J, who knew I was filing today. Then the bottom fell out. She informed me that B was en route to his mother's house with the girlfriend in tow.

It was devastating. I just spoke with his mother two days ago and she seemed truly wrecked when I mentioned the girlfriend. Either it was an act, or B hadn't told her who was coming home to dinner. In any event, he is clearly into this chick and very much past our relationship. That was quite a blow. It took the wind out of me. Hell, it took everything out of me. I can't even write about it without sobbing. I don't really know why, as I am truly all about moving on. I just can't believe he would do something like that -- he doesn't even know I filed and is bringing another woman to his mother's house for Christmas? What kind of a person does that? Seriously, I know we're done and all that, and rationally, I shouldn't care, but holy hell? Who fucking does that? Especially when you're calling your wife almost daily for advice, guidance, assistance and all that?

I had myself a good, old-fashioned sobfest (I really need to answer my phone during these, as I know good friends were really worried about me) and allowed myself to feel the pain. It was so shocking to go from this giddy euphoria to absolute darkness, but I think I have emerged. I know I will have reverberations over the next few days, but I'll be okay. I'll make it. It won't be easy, but I'll make it. It is hard to know your partner of so many years is that cruel and unfeeling, but that is what it is. Even typing that, I sob. Pain sucks, but what are you going to do? I can't change the situation, I can only react to it in a constructive manner. I'm trying.

Tomorrow, I am renting a storage unit and moving out the last of B's things. I will bill it to his credit card and send him the key. That is a constructive act. I will pack my shit and go up to my parents' house and maintain the best I can. I will remember that I can weather anything and that I have great friends and family who want to help in any way they can and I will take them up on that. I will remember that no one has died from a broken heart (aside from folks like my biodad, whose hearts gave out too soon) and that one day, I will look back on this and congratulate myself on having moved on. I will survive this. This too, shall pass.

I will be okay. I know that I will. I have a broken heart, but my character and integrity is intact. I will make it. Bring on the next false bottom.

* I received the present of a lifetime today. I don't think I can give it justice here, but some person I have never actually met sent me an inukshuk, with the explanation that it is to be used as a beacon for where you are going and a reminder of your friends. When I opened it, I was all WTF mate, but once I googled it and read the note, I was moved beyond belief. Say what you want about the internets, but I have made some amazing friendships from them.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

False Bottoms

Tomorrow (Friday) is the day. No excuses jeans. I had planned on filing next Friday for practical and tactical reasons, but I really feel the time is now. Any reason for delay can be cured.

Today wasn't a good day by any stretch of the imagination. By now, I have concluded that 2006 is, in fact, the year of the cunt (although the Chinese may have been onto something with the whole Year of the Dog thing, given the Darby acquisition), and I have finally yielded to its prowess. 2006 won. I lost. I concede the race and am just going to hide out in a bunker and wait for the shadow of 2007. I very rarely toss in the white flag, but now, in the very final days of the year, I realize it got the best of me. I put up a good fight and battled most of the year, but, like Al Gore, I have concluded that sometimes? The deck is just too stacked against you and your mental health and dignity requires surrender.

Yesterday, I learned that B does, in fact, have a girlfriend and learned her identity. Now, him having a girlfriend wasn't exactly earth-shattering news, as I knew that instinctively. We've been separated for two years, haven't slept together once in all that. People do crave intimacy and sex, quite frankly. I, myself, had a good mercy/sympathy shag last Christmas that was probably better than my entire sex life with B, so I didn't have unreasonable expectations. If you can't have sex with other people during a separation ("WE WERE ON A BREAK!"), what is the point of separating?

What killed me was learning who it was (no one I really know or care about) and that he is stepping out with her publicly. She is probably six or seven years younger than me (and I am six years younger than B) and she is a wallflower -- I guess she's cute, but she's not the kind of person you remember after meeting her. Or I was self involved the two or three times I met her. My word for her is "boring." Uninteresting. That was hard to swallow. B refused to sign the divorce papers for months, then I couldn't file because of HIS work concerns, then he stalled and pleaded with me not to file, all while he is basically begging for my personal and professional guidance in certain important (to him financially, to me philosophically) matters. I put aside all of my sadness and rage to do something constructive, even though I knew it wasn't good for me emotionally. To find out he has the audacity to date in public -- to humiliate me at the expense of his own ego and needs -- all the while calling me several times a day for advice, guidance, etc. That was the harshest blow. This is not the man I married. I think that man died a long time ago and I am just now coming to terms with that loss.

It wasn't J, as J was the one who told me who it was. J did cover for B several times over the past few months, but now, B has included her in his dumping grounds of barked orders and has treated her as his equivalent "work spouse." I think the guilt finally got the best of her, or she realized she hitched her wagon to the wrong horse. In any event, J and I probably can't ever be friends again, as the whole thing is just too toxic for words. More collateral damage, I guess.

Incidentally, my sister has this phrase called "false bottoms" -- just when you think you've hit rock bottom, the floor gives out and you realize you can sink farther.

If that wasn't bad enough, I called my MIL last night to get her address (I was lazy and didn't feel like digging for it). At the end of the conversation, I told her that even though B and I weren't going to make it, I loved her and thanked her for always being a great friend and source of support. She responded by saying "You two are going to make it -- of course you'll work it out. No two people belong together like you and you have such love for each other." She repeated it over and over. I sort of blurted out "well, Mom, when your husband has a girlfriend, you have to harsh up to the reality that is probably isn't going to work out."

Awkward silence ensued. I never, ever wanted to say anything bad about B to anyone who knew us both. I'm sure I ruined her Christmas by telling her that her son wasn't the man either of us thought we knew. I wish I hadn't said anything.

Oh, but it gets better (false bottoms and all). This morning, I called AD, who was originally introduced into my life as B's new best friend. AD used to get on my last nerve and still can, but over the years, we have developed a very special bond. B and I separated while AD and his long-term girlfriend were having issues. We talked each other down off of ledges and forged a strange but real friendship. When I told AD about B's girlfriend (including identity), his response was "well, shit, K - I had heard something about that through the grapevine and had hoped it wasn't true. B is going to wake up one day and realize he thoroughly fucked his life up."

I lost it -- not at his words, but at the realization that there was a grapevine that was likely pitying me or otherwise titilating that B had a new girl while his long-suffering wife was still playing the do-gooder role. That B had such little respect for me and my contributions to this marriage that he would humiliate me while simultaneously extracting my counsel and advice. That this man could, in any conscience, take advantage of my respect for our relationship and solicit my support and advice for his business matters, all the while showing absolutely no respect for me while he pursued whatever hole he had to fill during all of this.

When I got into the office this morning, I promptly lost my shit in my boss' office and had an all-out sobfest. That was a new false bottom.

In any event, in the depths of this sorrow, I have some clarity. This needs to be behind me, and now. I am filing tomorrow. I need to sever the umbilical cord of our relationship. It need not be hostile and I will try really hard not to be hostile -- just definite.

And I need to stop with my online married friend. On one hand, I know what purposes we are fulfilling -- aside from the obvious friendship chemistry. He makes me crush on him, and it feels good to me to crush on someone that specifcially --- to say nothing of the fact that he is utterly crush-worthy. I make him feel alive and interesting and attractive, as married men are clearly wont to need that affirmation. He is a good - no -- a great man and I am better for having gotten to know him, but I need to redirect my efforts to persons who are available to me. Having really felt the pain of a breaking heart, that can only come from realizing your husband is pretty much dead and his reincarnation is an asshole, I don't think I can weather another broken heart. He is just a good man, who should be appreciated as such, and not anything more.

And I really need to rediscover something resembling a cheery outlook.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Editor's Note

I realized that my previous post might have come across as a little cryptic concerning my online pal and could generate suspicion that it is someone known to my very small audience. Not the case. This person is not in any of our online social circles and is just someone I've come to know in the fairly recent past.

Not that he is the first online and married friend I've crushed on. Not by a long shot. Just different.

We shot the shit a little bit today while I was listening to the world's worst online CLE. I came to realize that in addition to crushing on him because he is smart, sharp and clever, I also am crushing on him because he is a good husband. If he weren't, I wouldn't find anything about him attractive. That also makes him safe to crush on, oddly.

In any event, I have long espoused the view that crushes are good for the soul. They remind you of the delight in getting to know another person and the fascinating aspect of chemistry. The internets, when not serious business, really bring out the intrigue in this chemistry, as you get to know someone via words and thoughts, not because they have a chiseled face or mischievous eyes. That is true for friends of both sexes -- I have developed several close friendships that originated online, owing to cleverly worded thoughts and expressions. For all the crap that gets said about online relationships, including some mocking of my own, it really is a pure way to get to know someone.

I haven't yet met someone in meatspace that was different from what they conveyed online. It is probably a matter of time. Either that, or I have been very astute in interpreting online personas and personalities. I don't think I come across differently in text than I do in person. I certainly don't try to. If anything, I am more restrained online. Your mileage may vary.

My mother came over last night, which was interesting. My mother and I have a very odd relationship, but she is really trying right now. She must have said "we are so proud of you" a dozen times and repeatedly stated that "this is a good starting over for you and you aren't starting from scratch." My mother got divorced when she was very young and had two babies. She got very lucky when she met my (technically step)father and for reasons that I may not ever really understand, they do have a very loving and enduring relationship. I told her that last night and wanted to reassure her that my impending divorce was not a reflection on any disallusionment with marriage I had observed growing up. Truthfully, I don't think she ever even considered that, but I think it made her feel proud that I admired her long marriage with my (technically step) dad.

The silver linings are beginning to shine brighter, even though I still find myself under some dark clouds. That has to be progress. It just has to be.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

(No) Sex in the City

I am either quaintly old-fashioned or utterly repressed, as I am rarely comfortable discussing my sex life. Or, in present-day terms, the lack thereof. One on one with close friends, yes, but not so much as a public topic of conversation. At some point, I am going to have to visit that issue of my marriage, but not today.

No, today is about the first sexual thoughts I have had in a while -- a long while, at that. That's the good. The bad is that these thoughts (dreams) were about someone who is completely unavailable. In fact, I am probably attracted to him because he is a successful husband and father and is therefore unavailable and safe. He is also terribly smart and clever and we have many shared interests.

I am going to qualify all of this by stating up front that I know I probably shouldn't talk to this person anymore. Although our conversations are anything but sexual or even flirty, if I were his wife, I think I would feel.....uncomfortable that my husband had made a female friend that I hadn't met. Especially if it is an online friend. I realize this and am working it out in my head. On one hand, I really enjoy this friendship, but on the other, I am more than sensitive to how his wife would feel if she read our conversations. Like I said, absolutely NOTHING sexual or romantic or flirty. He talks about her and his family filled with pride and has never said anything negative about her -- and that is the few conversations when we're not talking about movies, books or politics. Nevertheless, and maybe it is because of these recent dreams, I feel guilty for having this friendship. Perhaps because I enjoy it so much.

So anyway, all that build up for what is probably only a hot story for me. A few nights ago, I had a dream about him. I have had the same dream for a few nights in a row now and I have to say, it feels good to feel sexual again. Even if I'm feeling sexual about someone I'll never have sex with.

In my dream, I met this person for dinner in NYC while we were both there on business. We were at my favorite place in the City and we had a fabulous dinner and conversation. Again, nothing sexual, but mildly flirty. The chemistry was thick and fun and fantastic, and at one point, we both realized the attraction was mutual. There was this long stare exchanged and then I spoke up. I told him that we both knew that nothing physical was going to happen between us because part of what we were attracted to was each other's character.

At that point, I told him, in very concise and descriptive details, what I would like to do with him if the situation were different (if he were available). He responded with his fantasy where I was concerned. I have to tell you, the whole thing was rather explicit and was rather arousing - to the point I actually woke up. I haven't had that hot of a dream in a long, long time, and mind you, there wasn't any sex in the fucking dream (no pun intended) -- just descriptions of "what we would do if we could" and the thrill of a mutual attraction with another person.

I know it doesn't seem like progress to have a wet dream over a married guy, but trust me, it sort of is. I haven't felt sexual in many, many moons and it just felt good to be aroused. It felt great to feel sexy. It felt exciting to be excited.

And now, I am a blogger who blogs about her dreams. Loathsome.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Your Moment of WTF

Scene: work, trying to make a deadline, ignoring the cell.

Phone call - check the caller ID, see it is B
(Answer phone - professional issue is at its zenith, am seeking updates and information)
B - am meeting with attorney, need advice and guidance
Me - advice and guidance
B - am nearby, need favor -- need to borrow money, forgot wallet, am meeting attorney
(B makes more than me)
Me - Fine, whatever
(meet in lobby of building)
Me - here, have $, tell attorney what I said, ask if he concurs, good luck, put that money back in my account by the end of the week
B - done, thanks, you look amazing
(me: four hours sleep, disoriented, a little groggy, but recently had facial)
Me - Thanks, I guess. Money back in account by end of the week. Good luck
B - hug, kiss on neck, mumbles something about me being "truly the best"
Me - shakes head, turns on heel, heads to elevator back to office
(phone call)
Attorney - B was just here, explained situation, your advice was spot on. What the hell am I here for?
Me - so I don't have to do this anymore - I am le tired and need a nap
Attorney - don't feel right accepting money for advice already given
Me - you're not being paid for advice, you're being paid to take over my role
Attorney - I can't bill for this and you know why. He doesn't need an attorney, he has one in you
Me - What is it going to cost to have you be the person he calls first?
Attorney - He won't ever do that. He doesn't trust anyone's advice but yours. I'm just confirmation
Me - I will pay you whatever the fuck it takes to become his attorney and relieve me from duties
Attorney - I don't think you have that kind of money
Me - Fuck


EDIT: Home, phone call

B: Business of the day

Me: Advice on said business

Him: I wish you were the principal attorney on this

Me: I'm glad I'm not. I want your issue to be over so I can move forward. I can't file our divorce papers until that is done.

B: Oh.

Me: I hope, on some small level of introspection, you realize that I am taking one for a 14 year team that no longer exists. That is taking its toll on me.

B: I would never have been this cool with you. I get it.


Saturday, December 02, 2006

Helmet and a Short Bus

You know what marginally competent, soon-to-be single folks do before they buy furniture? The measure things - the space intended for said furniture (like, oh, a chaise lounge) and the actual furniture itself. They don't wait until they get said furniture in their house to figure out that the comfy accent piece is the same size as their couch.

Next time I want to blow $500, I'm putting it on black at the roulette table in Vegas.

Remember this next time you mock B for being utterly and completely clueless. You're no slouch in that department either, cupcake.

Friday, December 01, 2006

You Can't Have a Filing. Not Yours.

Couldn't file today for reasons that I certainly am not going to (and cannot) blog about. Limbo remains the state of affairs. I have, however, decided that I am going to file before years' end, no matter what. No matter what. If I can't be divorced by the end of the year, I damn well will have filed. Fuck 2006 -- fuck it till it can't move.

On the positive side, it was rather delightful to be banking online and suddenly see a whole shitload of extra happy zeroes. Even though I'm not going to spend much of it now (it is the cash reserve I need and savings for the inevitable assessment from the HOA), I do see a little retail therapy in my future. I also see some quality time on expedia in the near term. Perhaps a combination of the two - expedia first, then retail therapy. I also want to play Santa to a few deserving folks. That is better than any therapy.

Incidentally, I quit my therapist. Nice person, just entirely too insistent on drugs as a "reliable short cut" for happiness. I'll take the road less traveled and not fuck with my body's chemistry. She was frustrated with me for not even considering it. We ended up spending more time on that than anything else, including my "control" issues related to not wanting drugs. Sofa king weird. Worse, she wasn't the first therapist I had who tried to drug me. In the near term, I am going to focus on exercise and diet therapy and will probably start up therapy again next year, when I've filed and have moved past this limbo crap. It is hard to explain to anyone why I have to do this (both practically and emotionally) and I am a little weary of having my decision challenged. I know this relationship better than anyone else and I know in my gut I'm doing the right thing.

Even if it is slowly debilitating me.

I am going to muster up some holiday cheer and have some friends over tomorrow. I may also try to see The Nutcracker on Sunday. This will be bittersweet, as B and I had a tradition of going opening night every year. We have pictures from every year (save, obviously, for the past two). I love the sound of the ballet shoes and love the music and the sets and, absurdly, love the holidays more than anyone I know. I hate the shopping, but love everything else.

I am also going to go to Mass on Sunday morning. Although I am far, far from religious, nor do I consider myself a true believer, I like Catholic Masses. I was raised Lutheran/Protestant and never truly bought into the whole organized religion thing. I don't begrudge anyone their religious beliefs (aside, of course, from Tom Cruise and folks who think God or Allah would be pleased by the killing of innocents) and I'm not certain I really believe in anything specific where religion is concerned. Hell, I was a three (3!) time dropout of Catholic conversion classes (this is really a great story but this is so rambling already). However, there is something I really enjoy about Catholic Mass, especially this time of the year. Hell, I may just go to Sunday evening choir service and listen to the music. I have a ridiculous amount of love for Christmas tunes. I think, ultimately, I like the sensation of believing, if only for an hour, that I am not in ultimate control and that there is something larger than myself at play in my destiny.

Take that, fired therapist. Not as much of a control freak as you thought. You don't know me better than I know myself, even if you do make some really insightful observations.