Tuesday, January 30, 2007

And, We're Back

I realized after three weeks that this place was my release and my place to tell stories. I missed it, even though I have had little to say. Except I do. More to come later. Now, a story.

Dateline 2004 -- April, I think. This is a random story, but this is my corner of the internet, so whatthefuckever.

Angela is my brow waxer. She is amazing and written up everywhere in girly magazines. I got an appointment through a friend. I had had my brows waxed before (many times), but Angela? She does her job really well -- deride as you will for her chosen profession, but she is as good at her job as I am mine and that is just fucking cool.

So , I am having my brows (and face) waxed by Angela when I decide now is the time to make a comment on the trend of women to "take it all off." I found it bothersome and gross and whatnot. Women wanting to look like preteen girls. Gross. How awful. I had an opinion and I wasn't afraid to share it with Angela, who is also reknown (didn't know) for her quasi-Brazillians.

Angela is a different breed of the human species. She listened to my rant about men wanting pre-teen girls, etc. Then she said "K, there is another viewpoint you might consider." I, not being wont to listen to alternate viewpoints, was skeptical. She said "I think women grooming their (nether regions, she is more clinical), is a positive sign. Women are more comfortable expecting, receiving, and enjoying oral sex, whereas decades prior, they were considered whores for doing it in return."

It made me think, albeit from the odd place where you are half naked, asked a friend to get rid of unwanted hairs from your nether regions. It was an interesting point, to say the least. I know Angela -- she is a client - and I wasn't ready to go full monty on her. But I did do my first bikini wax, which was painful and interesting.

After she waxed me, she recommended that I visit May, her equivalent in the nether regions market, at a totally different salon. I met May and BOOM, we clicked. She explained the whole process in detail, with no shame and, as I was about to go to Cabo for Christmans (first x-mas sans B), I agreed. She shared Angela's philosophy about waxing "down there" and I had my first true Brazlillian wax. It was at once liberating and indignified. Something about hearing her order of "spread your butt cheeks, yes!" threw me off.

And yet. That was over a year ago and I still do it. I don't really know why, although I do agree about the power issue. Mostly it is a question of feeling like I control something, although I don't know what. I don't think that women should look like this -- public hair serves its purpose -- but I'll just let it ride.

Welcome back, loyal readers. I'm sure this was worth the wait.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Searching for Sean Maguire

I am in the process of interviewing shrinks.

I am sort of ambivalent about psychiatrists/psychologists/therapists/counselors. On one hand, I recognize that they, like I, provide a valuable service for people in crisis. On the other, I think a lot of it is self-indulgent emo bullshit, especially when I think of the real problems (hunger, disease, war, etc.) facing other people. When this is your biggest problem -- mourning a lost love and relationship -- I think you are getting off easy.

I had written a funny scene in the screenplay where the protagonist "auditions" shrinks. Today's experience provided a helpful addition. He was a very serious man who was interviewing me as much as I did him. I don't think I passed. He explained that his speciality was "deep psychotherapy" and he thought I was looking for something else -- a place to vent, mourn, and heal from the divorce. I threw my head back and laughed and said that was like holding a red flag up to a bull - challenging me. He managed to get even more serious and said that he was concerned that our different personalities would get in the way of the process. He said he was committed to working with people who wanted a deeper level of meaning in their life and who were dedicated to living that kind of life.

I confess that I burst out laughing. I do not mean to mock the process in any manner, shape or form, and I don't doubt this man's commitment to his profession. I have every confidence that he is a very valuable resource for many a troubled folk, as he came highly recommended. I told him that I didn't know anyone that didn't want a deeper purpose and meaning in their life, but in all things, balance.

We had a couple of really meaningful exchanges. One was when he asked me what I wanted. I rambled through the usual "learn from my mistakes, become a better human being, etc." but it all seemed trite as it came out of my mouth. I then said something that shocked the shit out of me. I said "I want and need more fulfilling relationships in my life." What tumbled out of my mouth after that shocked and horrified and rattled me. I realized something pretty profound, and that alone was worth the (free) hour.

I started to wonder if I could "interview" shrinks all over the city (for free) and gain a higher consciousness. I confess that that thought had me laughing (and writing tonight) for a while.

I got teary only at a few points, mostly when he said "I don't know you, but based upon our time today, I would say that you keep most people at a distance and don't trust anyone." I hated that assessment. He then said "I can also see that you have excellent masking and coping skills and are not comfortable being vulnerable." Bitch, I got teary at that, too, so shove that diagnosis up your ass. Finally, and here is when I thought I was going to lose it, he hit the proverbial nail. He said "look, K, yeah, you're going through a lot of shit, but you aren't desperate. You probably have desperate moments, but you aren't a desperate patient. You want therapy because that is what everyone tells you to do in a divorce, but you aren't desperate for it."

Somehow, that vote of confidence brought me to tears. By Mr. Intense Therapist. He isn't the one for me -- I'm sure I need "deep psychotherapy" but the time isn't right. I just need better coping skills and probably a sounding board. I have friends for that and need to use them. That said, I do need a professional to help me organize all of this crap and keep me grounded. I am going to keep interviewing them and getting as much free treatment as possible.

Watch this space for more tales from the therapy-crypt.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Lemons Into Lemonade

What started as kind of a joke has sort of morphed into a full on project. When I recounted the "will by the light of the convenience store" story here, I was thinking what a great scene in a movie it would have been. Truth is, I think I see a lot of things like that, which is probably a coping mechanism or other such psychobabble. In any event, I told the story to my online friend and he had the same reaction (as well as the divorce story of using B's check for the filing).

Yes. I know. Stop with the chats with the married guy. I know. But hold on.

Online friend is a very talented writer, which is how I first noticed him. He has a very respectable, well-paying day job at which he is quite good, but he is a frustrated writer. He writes short stories for his kid (amazing, I might add, and I intend to sign him as a client in the very near term) and has tackled a few screenplays, but not finished any of them. He doesn't have much time for them and has a demanding work and personal schedule that precludes any pure attention to such pursuits. This is one of the principal topics of conversation between us, as I have encouraged him to get his own supersecret blog and just start writing (he does not know where this one is). He has also had something of a writer's block for a year or so, frustrated with the tension of wanting to do it full-time, but not being able to put his life on hold while he did it.

Anyway, we got to talking about a potential story to be written, brainstorming about various arcs and whatnot. It led to my purchasing a screenwriting software program (he already has it, but I do not use pirated copies) and we are now something of writing partners! Shut up, it is the next best thing. Channeling what is probably unhealthy or otherwise self-defeating thoughts into something therapeutic and creative.

I have had a blast. I started out writing individual scenes, but that was utterly frustrating. No common thread, no sense where the bus was headed, so to speak. I know nothing about structured creative writing and he does and he started an outline, which was about half a page. Last night, I took it to nearly ten pages. Holy fucking shit, that was fun. Imagining a story from start to finish and putting the marker points in to guide the tale. Unreal. It is very much in raw form now, but it is a productive hobby that probably has multiple benefits. He has seen it like this and is contributing rewrites and offering suggestions. By the way, there is nothing quite as revealing as showing someone your private thoughts. My three readers would probably agree, as this corner of the internets is not for public consumption and is a portal into my thoughts. I am here to tell you that it is slighly more revealing when the work is quasi-fiction.

While the crush remains intact, I do believe that I am taking what could be a bad thing and turning it into something positive and productive. If I get up the nerve, and when it is better, I will probably post a link to it and get your feedback. I haven't done this kind of writing since college and can't believe how much I enjoy it. It is better than any therapy I can think of, it challenges me creatively and intellectually, and, perhaps most importantly, it has given me something better to do than feel sorry for myself or angry.

I less than three you, 2007 and you're only three days old.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Hello, Lover

I've been waiting for you, 2007. The anticipation and the longing, I know it was worth it.

I don't have unrealistic expectations for you. In fact, I expect very little from you. I hope you are downright boring and stable and safe. You are my transitional year - my rebound fling. I know the best is yet to come and 2008 may well be my soul mate. Nevertheless, I am glad you are here and I promise I will give you my undivided attention.

I will not reminisce or look back on the year whose name we will not speak. I can't very well move forward if I am always looking back over my shoulder. Truth be told, there isn't much to look at back there anyway. Everything worth seeing and discovering is on the road ahead.

So here's to 2007. I look forward to our time together.