You ever just get really mad at yourself for wasting time?
I have wasted over four years. I imagine that, should I be blessed with old age, I will look back on years 33-37 as utterly, fucking wasted. Standing still, reacting, not acting, with no clear vision on who I want to be. In the grand scheme of things, four years is a blip. Right now, it is pissing me off.
I am mad, and I rarely feel mad. I am mad only at myself, but the rage is palpable and in the back of my throat. Mad is a funny word to type - it looks like a typo, at least through my prism. It is unfamiliar and bothersome.
I cannot believe who I have become in the aftermath of the divorce. I am ashamed of this person. And yet, channeling what little self esteem I have, I know what I want and where I want to be. Goddamn if it isn't a shit-ton of work. It is overwhelming, yet doable. And I can do it.