Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Blog dump.

I don't know what, if anything, I am going to do with these ramblings. I will probably nuke it out of orbit, although Google never forgets, but sometimes, I just need to write. And my penmanship sucks.

I was on the phone today with an old friend of ours. He was a groomsman at our wedding, I remember talking him off the ledge when his then-girlfriend got knocked up and he wasn't that into her. This was 15 years ago, and that girlfriend is now his wife, and the unplanned baby has a younger brother. He is part of my history, and also a client.

We were on the phone for an hour as I gathered information and I was all business. Just the facts, asking questions, swearing and joking along the way. All was good until the end of the conversation, when he asked me "K, are you and B on civil terms?"

I retreated to familiar territory and assured him that B and I could never really be on acrimonious terms. I loved B too long and too much to wage a war, or otherwise become his enemy. And as I said these words to him, the unthinkable happened: my voice cracked. I think it was only apparent to me, and I was highly aware of it, but I was mortified. I am still getting choked up over B? What the motherfucking hell is this shit? And letting my voice crack while talking to a client, even if that client knows the history of me and B? Jesus, how fucking pathetic.

And it got worse. Said FOB told me that he no longer knew B and what he knew, he didn't like. I confess that I almost went into defending mode out of reflex, as I have never spoken ill of B to any of our mutual friends. I didn't today, either. At least, nothing I haven't said directly to B. Most of what I say is how the man I knew, loved and admired no longer exists. And it truly breaks my heart that he didn't just break my heart. He broke the hearts of a lot of his friends, who also no longer admire him. And I can't explain why this reduced me to tears today, but it did.

I was also reminded of an incident early on in the separation. I was walking my (then) new dog around the lake, and stopped in at his place of work (which is often the space of social gatherings). I didn't know there was an event going on, and although B warmly welcomed me in, I quickly realized I didn't belong there. I was sweaty and gross (I had done three miles before I arrived), I hadn't planned on being seen anywhere, and I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared. Long story short, I ended up bursting into tears while petting my dog. I was talking to an amazing artist and friend who didn't quite know what to do, but God love her, she just kept talking and saying "K, you will be okay."

I was so mortified, and yet I couldn't stop crying. I was literally sobbing in the middle of a crowded room, except I was hunched over, petting my dog, and wondering how the fuck I was going to get out of there. Mercifully, my friend J appeared, assessed the situation, and realized I needed to get out of there. She devised an exit strategy, and for that, I will always be grateful. It was the very first time in my life that I had no control over my emotions and it was so humiliating.

Today, on the phone with K, I had the exact same feeling when my voice started to crack. I don't want B back and haven't for years. But I think I may need to get some professional help to get these uncontrollable emotions in check, if only to control a cracking voice. Three fucking years? I should be over it.