Couldn't file today for reasons that I certainly am not going to (and cannot) blog about. Limbo remains the state of affairs. I have, however, decided that I am going to file before years' end, no matter what. No matter what. If I can't be divorced by the end of the year, I damn well will have filed. Fuck 2006 -- fuck it till it can't move.
On the positive side, it was rather delightful to be banking online and suddenly see a whole shitload of extra happy zeroes. Even though I'm not going to spend much of it now (it is the cash reserve I need and savings for the inevitable assessment from the HOA), I do see a little retail therapy in my future. I also see some quality time on expedia in the near term. Perhaps a combination of the two - expedia first, then retail therapy. I also want to play Santa to a few deserving folks. That is better than any therapy.
Incidentally, I quit my therapist. Nice person, just entirely too insistent on drugs as a "reliable short cut" for happiness. I'll take the road less traveled and not fuck with my body's chemistry. She was frustrated with me for not even considering it. We ended up spending more time on that than anything else, including my "control" issues related to not wanting drugs. Sofa king weird. Worse, she wasn't the first therapist I had who tried to drug me. In the near term, I am going to focus on exercise and diet therapy and will probably start up therapy again next year, when I've filed and have moved past this limbo crap. It is hard to explain to anyone why I have to do this (both practically and emotionally) and I am a little weary of having my decision challenged. I know this relationship better than anyone else and I know in my gut I'm doing the right thing.
Even if it is slowly debilitating me.
I am going to muster up some holiday cheer and have some friends over tomorrow. I may also try to see The Nutcracker on Sunday. This will be bittersweet, as B and I had a tradition of going opening night every year. We have pictures from every year (save, obviously, for the past two). I love the sound of the ballet shoes and love the music and the sets and, absurdly, love the holidays more than anyone I know. I hate the shopping, but love everything else.
I am also going to go to Mass on Sunday morning. Although I am far, far from religious, nor do I consider myself a true believer, I like Catholic Masses. I was raised Lutheran/Protestant and never truly bought into the whole organized religion thing. I don't begrudge anyone their religious beliefs (aside, of course, from Tom Cruise and folks who think God or Allah would be pleased by the killing of innocents) and I'm not certain I really believe in anything specific where religion is concerned. Hell, I was a three (3!) time dropout of Catholic conversion classes (this is really a great story but this is so rambling already). However, there is something I really enjoy about Catholic Mass, especially this time of the year. Hell, I may just go to Sunday evening choir service and listen to the music. I have a ridiculous amount of love for Christmas tunes. I think, ultimately, I like the sensation of believing, if only for an hour, that I am not in ultimate control and that there is something larger than myself at play in my destiny.
Take that, fired therapist. Not as much of a control freak as you thought. You don't know me better than I know myself, even if you do make some really insightful observations.
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