Thursday, November 30, 2006

The End of Limbo

Once again, tired of the blue. Tired. Spent. Done. Not even remotely interesting. I have finally bored myself.

I am once again just ready to move forward. I need a change and am contemplating my options. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and just maintaining. I confess that I am comfortable with the status quo, especially in times of turmoil. That said, I need to shake things up a bit.

I've decided to take a trip in the spring - something to look forward to. I'm leaning towards Italy again and I can't wait to plan it. I am also considering a trip to Africa and visiting my parents on the tail end. Yet another plan is going back to South America - perhaps Brazil during Carnivale. I also want to have a party in Vegas on my birthday.

I want to get divorced. I want the limbo and this charade to be done. I am tired of feeling like ass. I have known this marriage was over for over two years, but was in some fucked up state of denial. No more. I want a Grand Canyon between "my life then" and "my life now." That is a tall order to fill. I need to really and truly separate from Billy and not be his goddamn lifeline. Lord knows, he hasn't been mine in many, many moons. I find myself wondering how I didn't notice that. The very few favors I've asked of him over the past five years were entirely superficial and required little to no effort of him. The same cannot be said of him.

I'm thinking of filing the papers tomorrow. If need be for legal reasons related to his issues, we can withdraw them. As a matter of fact, I just decided it. I'm filing tomorrow. Limbo is over. I just changed the title of this entry. Watch this space tomorrow for my feelings of angst at shooting a dog that has been dead for a couple of years, foolisly thinking I'm putting it out of its misery. I need something to celebrate this weekend.

I know I am running out of fertility years, but I don't yet have the technology to engineer a person and a relationship ready for that. Oh well. Shit happens. I'll deal with that when the time comes. I just need to start this next chapter. I've read the first half of the book too many times and am utterly bored with the story. It is time for a fresh plot line.

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