Saturday, November 25, 2006

Spoke Entirely Too Soon

You know all that talk about how I like who I am and I have not evolved into bitter, pessimistic girl? Yeah, file all that under "full of shit." Be forewarned -- this may grow to be a very large file.

I had some thoughts tonight that positively shamed me. My aunt A, with whom I am extraordinarily close, recently got engaged to her long-term, long-distance boyfriend. Now, no one is good enough for A and although I like her boyfriend-turned-fiance (she's over 50 and those terms seem positively juvenile, but there you go), I guess I never thought he was the one. That is really shitty, upon careful reflection, as that means that I just haven't really listened to her or shared in her love for him. A has clearly developed a very close and meaningful and permanent relationship with this man and I have made no efforts to really get to know him and love him the way she would if the situations were reversed. Am asshole. Rather large, gaping asshole.

And yet, it gets shittier. One of my first thoughts after the initial shock wore off was "how is this going to affect me?" I don't visit her when he's here (about six times a year for about two weeks each trip), as I am loud type and he is quiet type. When I visit A, I sleep with her in her ginormous waterbed (yay! 70's!) and we lounge about the next day, doing nothing or hitting four matinees in a row. When he eventually moves here, those times will come to a screeching halt, at least as we know them now.

What makes this shitty is that A might be the most fantastic human being on the planet. She is, bar none, the best mother on the planet and one of the best friends. She, rather unfortunately, married a gay man (yay! 70's!) who treated her like absolute shit most of the time, including physical and a great deal of emotional abuse, but they did have a wonderful son J. She finally divorced him when he started bringing his "friends" home to "crash" after "boys nights" out on the town. Shortly thereafter, he was diagnosed with HIV and has had full blown AIDS since 1985.

She tested negative - then and every year since. He is still alive, primarily because he insisted on using a condom during the latter part of their marriage. Had he given her HIV, I assure you, he would not be walking among us - not as long as I was on the planet. He is, incidentally, still alive. Full blown AIDS since 1985. 21 years and counting. Unreal. He was my uncle for a good deal of my childhood and I have love for him and sympathy because our gay-hating culture led him to commitments and behaviors that weren't natural to him. Still. I carry a grudge. You don't fuck with A.

So getting back to my point, absolutely NO ONE deserves love and happiness, to say nothing of a respite from loneliness, more than A and yet one of my initial thoughts was how this was going to affect me and my relationship with A. I am so wanting my places of comfort and safety that the idea of this one being taken away is positively shattering. Do you hear that? My mental health at the expense of my closest family member's happiness. Despicable. Pathetic.

And there's more - I'm not just self-centered when it comes to family. Oh hell no - I extend that shitty attitude towards friends, too! One of my closer friends P? She just had a fantastic date with a man she had been interested in for months. They had one of those amazing evenings where everything clicked -- incredible conversations, passionate sex, comfortable, cozy, intimate and full of hope and possibility - the whole tingly thing you experience when you first find someone you really care about. And while I am positively thrilled for her and so delighted that this kind person is finding someone she really digs, I confess that there was a not-so-small part of me that was just crushed.

Is everyone going to be moving forward and onward while I'm stuck in this limbo? Am I going to be that friend that everyone invites as a courtesy because they pity me and my lonely life? I know that divorce is a process that takes time -- a lot of time-- and I am nowhere near wanting to start up another relationship while I'm still mourning the one I miss so much. When you can't quite see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm here to tell you that things get really dark sometimes. And you have thoughts such as these, where you are jealous of your family and friends and full of self-loathing because you have these thoughts.

And then you find yourself writing such thoughts at 2 in the morning because you can't sleep and you are basking in the self-loathing that can only come from whining on the internet about how difficult your life is. And that? Puts you on nearly the same maturity level as your average LJ/myspacer, except you're old and should have much more character than this.


IGTF said...

Cut yourself some slack or I'm gonna come out there and lay the smack down.

*threatening pimp hand gesture*

There is nothing wrong with feeling any of those feelings. It's what you _do_ with them that makes them acceptable/unacceptable.

Norm said...

In these circumstances, if you didn't have those feelings, you'd be some kind of robot.

Knowing you, you're not going to be hating on your friends and loved ones because good things are happening to them, so I think you're cool.

/he said, redundantly