Thursday, November 16, 2006

Choosing Civility

I've realized something important. I don't want to fight. I don't want to argue, and I don't want to inflict collateral damage. I realized this some time ago, but I have experienced something of a paradigm shift.

We had an unconventional marriage. We lived on a 36' boat for five years. My brother lived with us for one of those years. His parents did for four months (and sweet Jesus, was that an experience). We ran two successful businesses together. We were apart for two years during law school. We had three lives - his, mine and ours. These are not the hallmarks of a typical marriage (although I still believe in the "yours, mine and ours" thing). I probably shouldn't expect a typical divorce and it sure isn't shaping up as one.

After all of B's stuff is over, I am going to again restrict contact with him. I need it, and so does he, even if he doesn't realize it. B doesn't really burn bridges and is very uncomfortable with someone out there having less than fuzzy feelings about him. However, he's earned it, and I need to fully deal with the loss of this relationship, and that can't be accomplished with a comfortable seque into friendship. Plus, he hasn't fucking earned my friendship - not in the recent past, at least. I am extending it as an act of kindness and respect for our relationship and because I have an interest in seeing a just resolution of this (his) situation. Not a financial, but an equity interest.

But I am not going to be the angry divorcee, bent on righting all wrongs. I like looking forward, not backward. I don't need to be a bitch for being a bitch's sake. It serves no purpose. Instead, I am going to be who I am intrisically, which, albeit remarkably cutting and snarky, not mean. Not for the sole purpose of fulfilling the role of a wronged wife.

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