The Pause Button

I haven't had it in me to write down my thoughts lately, although I find myself in a very familiar place -- limbo.

For reasons too complicated to get into, I haven't filed the papers yet. It has to do with the concepts of marital privilege, but also because I am performing one final act of kindness for my partner of the past decade. If I become totally honest with myself, I think that while most of my motivation is kindness and respect for a long relationship, there was a small part that was still hoping that I would get some sign that he recognizes the depth of this loss.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result. I may have already written that here. Clearly, I am insane.

Luckily, it looks as though resolution on the B matter is going to come sooner, rather than later, so I should be able to file the papers soon. I am also considering filing them anyway and withdrawing them if my concern becomes an issue. I really wanted to file them by the 18th, as there is a 90 day waiting period and my birthday is February 18th. That surely sounds like a stupid reason, but fuck it, I am entitled to stupidity now and then.

I cried today for the first time in weeks. That isn't because I'm doing better and moving along - it is because my (ugh - forgive the self help speak that follows) healing process, including the feeling of pain, has been temporarily halted. B and I are speaking daily about his issue and the tone is collaborative as usual. This is not healthy in the long term, or even in the short term. What sucks about starting a healing process (again, egads) is that once you know the depth of sorrow you can feel, you know that there are more such moments ahead. That is decidedly exacerbated when you put the whole process on hold and act as though all is normal. Today, a friend called to inquire about my well-being and all of a sudden, my voice became very hushed and tears streamed freely down my face.

I hate that person. Yes, I know I'm entitled - hell have to -- feel all of the loss if I am to emerge from this as the woman I want to be. But there is self-loathing about feeling so weak and not collapsing into a fit of tears at the mere mention of reality. And make no mistake about it - I am in an alternate reality right now, albeit one I know quite well.

I haven't exercised regularly in months (aside from the dog walking, which has been severly curtailed in light of the weather). I am going to the gym tomorrow and plan to rediscover the value of really taking care of yourself. If I am to pause some of the emotional healing, I need to at least take care of the other stuff, and I know it will help me in other ways.

In unrelated news, I have a case where a woman is being severely fucked over by her employer. I don't do employment law, but I like this woman and identify with her. I wrote an eleven page letter on her behalf, which went out today. She paid me such a rewarding compliment -- "K, I have really learned the meaning of advocacy today. You really advocated on my behalf and I am so grateful." This from a woman who pays me a ridiculously high hourly rate -- she said "you are worth every penny - thank you."

It made me feel relevant and needed, and I confess, that felt wonderful.

Edit: This is good for you, K - writing stuff down and chronicling your progress, however slight. Don't dread it -- your audience is extremely limited and friendly and there is no shame admitting your shortcomings and failures and neediness.

Further PS -- could you possibly be more overwrought? You are going to shake your head at all of this one day.

Final PS -- You weren't kidding about the insane thing. Holy batshit, batman.