Friday, October 27, 2006

Malaise

Well, apparently, that email did the trick, as I got my signed papers today. I confess that the finality of it all, seeing his signature and all that comes with it? Another small part of me died a little today. Sure, I got some stalling and avoidance to get them, but in the end, still no act of courage or depth. He had his personal assistant deliver them (ahead of our meeting today). I didn't file them, on advice of the loan folks, as I should probably wait until the loans are all closed. So another week of limbo. I'm used to it.

He came to the office today to discuss the professional matter. I hadn't seen him in weeks - maybe a month or two. As we discussed the issues, I realized that he probably will never do what he should do and will instead use the materials to force a quiet, tidy settlement of the matter. It won't achieve the just resolution or vindicate the parties who deserve vindication, but it will solve an immediate problem and no one will be the wiser for it. In short, he won't make the bold and decisive move but will pussy out. He will manage the problem and it will get swept under yet another rug. How incredibly disappointing, yet probably unexpected.

I know what I need to do -- I need to let go, even if it means not knowing if he ever finds the sack to do what a really good man would do. I need to let go of the desire to see him be the man I really thought and hoped he was. I need to cut off the contact and get back on the road going forward. I need to file the papers and let the 90 days run its course and get the decree. I need to feel all of this sorrow and sadness and loss completely and learn from it and emerge enlightened and hopeful and happy. I need to remember that I am NOT the first person who has gone through a divorce and far, far many others have had it far, far worse.

But for tonight, I am going to wallow in it and allow myself to feel sad and angry. How could anyone throw this -- me -- away? I feel so small and worthless -- am I not worth fighting for? Risk everything? Do anything to keep me -- this person who stood beside you and supported you in everything you did -- do anything to make it right?

Apparently not. And that truly sucks out loud.

2 comments:

A said...

Ugh.
*e-hugs*

Talix said...

You are not worth it - to him.

And you've seen in high def exactly who he is, and what his opinion is worth.

But I do feel you. I remember hearing "you're the best thing that ever has and ever could happen to me" and realizing it didn't mean he was willing to to treat me well.

What A. said. Ugh.