Thursday, October 19, 2006

Sucked Back In

Drama in B's life almost always constitutes an emergency in mine, even with all these checks and balances in place. Today, in the midst of a crisis at work, B had J call me (J being the person I suspect of betraying me in the worst way possible). I was curt and polite, but it became clear that there was something brewing that they needed me for. I so wanted to hang up the phone and say "deal with this shit on your own, big guy," but the peacekeeper and problem-solver in me won out. And I got sucked right back the fuck in all of that.

I took vented as I told Yoda (my boss) that I resented the fuck out of being called upon, yet again, to counsel and guide this incredibly dysfunctional and impotent group of people, including my soon to be ex who can't be bothered to give me the signed fucking papers, but I confess that I have some own crosses to bear in it and can't let them fuck it up as they usually do. The gall, however, enraged me. I guess I should take solace that it is something of a vote of confidence that when the shit really starts flying, they turn to me for advice. As superficially flattering as that is, I don't want the job. I don't want to slip into our usual pattern of me playing the role of supporting friend and spouse to whatever drama and conflict is in his life, as that is NO LONGER MY LIFE. However, because this particular issue affects me personally on some levels, I do want to work to achieve my desired result and have certain issues vindicated.

For reasons that I can't explain, I need to resolve this issue -- it affects me and justice requires it. On the other hand, I am not going to resume being his touchstone on these things. Being stuck in this tornado is the antithesis of moving forward and I don't want to lose momentum, however tenuous it is. I am just starting to realize a life really independent and different and while it saddens and hurts me, it can also excite me, as the possibilities are endless.

So my no-talk-to-B streak is temporarily suspended as I put out more fires and lead by proxy (as good as a politician that B is, he sucks at actual leadership). I would be lying if I didn't admit that I missed him a little and missed being out of the loop, but I really don't think that is my motivation right now. I want to tie up some loose ends that involve B and his company, and to some degree, those two are completely interrelated, as I do believe my marriage was significantly damaged by the dysfunction at that place. Perhaps this is still moving forward, albeit in a way I hardly anticipated or sought.

Also? I got my fucking Dyson today. w-to-the-00t!

3 comments:

A said...

Take me with you - we'll serve 'em in person and I can five-finger-discount some of the shiny while I'm there. (Those books I sent to my mom created a monster.)
Serves two purposes: Makes a little old lady happy and executes petty revenge.
I'm never above petty revenge.

WHAT

;P

Norm said...

Heh. And I thought my personal/professional life collisions were annoying.

Norm said...

Oh and while I'm here:
You might seriously consider a long vacation far, far out of town. And forget your cell phone. I know it's not practical, but if they can't call you, they can't, you know, call you. *insert Fark OBVIOUS tag* ;)