Thursday, October 26, 2006


Spent the past week in an old, familiar pattern -- solving B's problems and waiting for him to act on them. It is truly unreal to see it from this angle -- the "I'll be there at 3pm on Wednesday and we'll go over all this" -- only to see Wednesday turn into Thursday, turn into argument (although that felt good), turn into hanging up on me (ho hum), turn into a contrite phone call ("I am really sorry and want you to know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me and I'll really be there tomorrow"). How positively mundane this all is -- I can't even be bothered to care.

Except I do on this topic and it has nothing to do with B and I. B was a complete and utter coward this past year when it came to letting his company utterly screw my firm over. B was concerned about protecting his job, which is admittedly a grave concern, but it came completely at the expense of my firm's good name. It is entirely too long of a story, but suffice to say, B is a competent manager and a terrible leader. Reactionary. Pensive. Safe. Political. Chickenshit. That last one about covers it. Chickenshit. I didn't realize how much respect I had lost for him until I took a few steps back. I am apparently immune to the charm now, as all I see is a talker, not a doer. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, but almost always failing to live up to his word. What a really unattractive quality. I wonder how long I had been oblivious to it? No need in looking back, I guess.

I told him this a few days ago and it really hit home with him. Hard - especially the part about not being a good leader. He says he completely agrees and now he's going to do things differently. That was before he stood me up two days running.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Yawn. He is remarkably consistent about that and I am an idiot for continuing to think he is going to be a man of integrity. If there is anything I am repulsed by, it is someone who can't walk the talk, so to speak. He didn't used to be that guy, but he sure as shit is that guy now.

I also solved the problem of the six week refinance thing -- to recap, he engaged our former loan broker who completely fucked up our loan six years ago. Outstanding. What is the adage about insanity defined as repeating the same mistakes? Hello, Mr. Insanity. Anyway, I was being shoved into this FHA deal where I would have to pay mortgage insurance (hello? $300K in equity, $150K loan?) and all sorts of related bullshit. B was on for 7.75% interest (stepping up to 8.1 for two years) -- just insanity. I called a different company on Tuesday and lo and behold, B and I got the same rate (6.25%, not an FHA thing) and I am closing on Tuesday. Yes, in one week, I managed to get shit done and better.

It was always this way. It really was. B got the credit as the problem solver, but that was really my function. I was B's personal assistant. Humbling, that.

As far as all of this is concerned, I am going to hand him over everything I have done for him in the past week (which, of course, is a continuation of everything I had done for him over the past year) and let him run with the ball, if at all. I was moving forward when I wasn't talking to him a few times a day about business and other matters and I want to resume that course of conduct. This will be hard, as I am emotionally invested in the outcome, but in the end, I don't have any faith in his character or his word and don't want to be on the edge of my seat, waiting for him to rediscover (or otherwise become) the man I really thought he was. He couldn't do the right thing over the past year, so I have no reason to believe that he will now. No matter what he says, as he is absolutely all talk. Disappointing and ugly, that.

On a more positive note, a friend got a promotion and a raise. Another friend is making strides in her personal relationship with a long term boyfriend. Another friend is celebrating a birthday this week. And I got my perspective back -- trying to help B is not unlike running on a treadmill. A lot of fucking effort to stay in place.

Oh, and I made a new friend. A month or so ago, actually, but rediscovered tonight. A month or so ago, P and I went to have sushi and were talking about my divorce and separation. I was just keeping it together, as things were really raw and the bartender overheard us. Turns out, he is in the exact same boat, relationship wise (okay, not exact, as it was a much shorter marriage), but he understands the emotional roller coaster. We completely bonded, exchanged emails and what not, but it sort of fizzled. P and I went back tonight and I re-bonded with the guy. We declared ourselves a pity party of two and resolved to help each other get through our respective crises. We laughed about how it is easier, seeing as I don't know anything about him and his soon-to-be-ex nor does he know anything about mine. Sometimes, that is exactly what you need -- just someone who knows just how sad and mad you are and doesn't try to give you a blueprint for what to do next. That is NOT a commentary on my friends who are stunningly supportive -- just a huzzah for virtual strangers with a shared sense of loss.

Oh, and for those of you keeing track at home? He STILL hasn't given me the signed divorce papers. It wasn't until this week that I realized that he harbors some hope of reconciliation. Denial --- it is a powerful river, apparently.

1 comment:

Talix said...

One of the most important things I've learned the very hard way from so many of my past relationships is the difference between who someone has the potential to be and who someone is willing to be. I think you've been in love with the man B. has the potential to be for a long time. It's always been hard for me to let go of that but ultimately, you were in a relationship with who B. is willing to be.

And you deserve so much more than who he is willing to be.