Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Reality Bites

Today wasn't nearly as good of a day. For most of it, I was busy and with a client, who has her own drama to deal with and that is a good kind of distracting. One of the best pieces of professional advice I ever received came from an unlikely source (law professor, little professional experience). When a client has a legal problem, it is occupying 99% of their mental energies. For the attorney, that problem usually occupies a position of 10%, at best. So much of what I do is just listen to the client and let them vent their frustration and how they have been wronged and how the other person is just completely unreasonable. I think that is why I can't do that -- I know how that sounds.

I wrote a long post last night (twice, actually), but my laptop wireless connection crapped out and alas, it was gone. But writing it out felt great and it was probably repetitive on earlier themes. B called yesterday, promised the papers by today (*last night I said I really thought he was going to give them to me today) and how he alluded to major developments in his life, but that it was "probably nothing I would find interesting." It was a rare passive aggressive shot by B, as he usually goes for the "direct to the temple" approach to such things, but I diffused it by saying that it wasn't that I wasn't interested in it and he knew that.

I had asked him to remove me from his (other) company's website last week - -it alludes to our happy marriage and all that crap and given that he has a company event this weekend, it seemed silly to perpetuate the myth. Today, after speaking with the webdesigner on an unrelated matter, she tactfully stated that there had been a request to take me off the website. I cheerfully confirmed that, and minutes later, all traces of me were gone.

Weird how sad that made me, especially since I demanded it. Reality, she can be a cruel bitch at the worst times. I put my face in my hands and was ready for a good cry, but I was too tired and the subject too familiar. I guess there was a small part of me that wanted B to resist, not to remove all traces of me, beg me, whatever. I know I would never agree, but goddamn, I still want for that grand gesture. I know I'm never going to get it, so there's that loss as well. The loss of hope that one day, he will understand just what he cast aside.

Just as I am cultivating sources of support where I can find them, so is he, at least, I hope. I confess that I do miss him and miss our friendship and the direct way in which we spoke to each other. I am guessing he finally told his mother -- I am going to go down there and say goodbye in person, as she isn't a letter writer or reader and I need to say goodbye to her and all the hopes she had for me as the mother of her grandchildren. I know she believed in us in much the same way I did.

I stared at some of our pictures tonight, realizing that it is gone. Really, really gone. B&K are no more. I'm going to have to answer a lot of uncomfortable inquiries about it and I will take the high ground. But this is, obviously and without question, the worst breakup of my life. I loved him so deeply and unconditionally and that wasn't nearly enough. And it was probably misplaced, as he clearly didn't have the same loyalty to me and didn't believe in us the way I did. That kind of pain lingers and I just hope it doesn't linger for too long. I hate these waves of sadness and despair and failure and mostly hate how they rear their ugly heads when I least expect it.

14 years. I can't erase that history and won't even make an attempt. I was married to him for 12 and no amount of denial or wine will erase that from my memory. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself, as I so wanted him to reach out and say "LET'S STOP THIS -- WE CAN WORK THROUGH ANYTHING" - even if I knew we couldn't. I wanted to be worth that futile effort.


* He didn't give me the signed papers today. There were likely more important things to be done. For those of you keeping track at home, it has been over a month that I have asked for him to give me the signed paperwork on an uncontested divorce. Fucker.

1 comment:

Andrea said...

I got a phone and a whole world of "LOOK, motherfucker....." available if you need it.