Monday, November 20, 2006


It is a familiar place for me, seeing as how I danced around my separation for two years. I am often angry at being in this place, but realize it was my decision to be here. I decided to help B out with this last vestige and I alone bear the responsibility for it. It sort of kills me how B doesn't really get it or thinks that this is some way to smooth things over, but at the end of the day, I answer to me and my sense of right.

This feels right, even though it hurts in many ways. I am treating someone the way I want to be treated, without regard to how they would treat me if the situations were reversed. Someday, with the right balance of alcohol and self-awareness, I will understand this.

I'm in a confessional mood, so here goes. I miss him -- even though I realize that "us" meant "him." He came over this morning and when we said goodbye, I knew he wanted to hug or kiss me, but those days are so far gone. I have been with this man long enough to know he is dying for me to reach out to him, but I can't. I told him "B, everything always works out for you and it will here, too." He said, kind of half-heartedly, "well, not everything." I quickly replied that for things he gave a shit about, yeah, they worked out. He always lands on his feet.

I am soon going to be a divorcee of 36 (as of next Feb.). Fantastic. I also want kids (whether mine or adopted or fostered). Equally fantastic. How the holy fuck did I become this person -- with so few options?


1 comment:

IGTF said...

Phooey. You have plenty of options.
Wait on the Uterine Dropping (procured or cultured in-house) option for a bit tho... let the dust settle first.
As for B, I have.... words. Words that begin with "Look, motherfucker...." Bitch will sit, listen, and RESPECT if I ever have to tell him what's what.

You're doing the right thing for yourself and that is what matters. It's like sweeping the floor before you turn the lights off, lock the door, and leave.