Game On

Holidays are officially here, as the mother unit has touched down in the PacNW. You might have read about a sudden chill in Seattle...... (this is a sibling joke that endures)

My mother called me from a crowded Airporter (bus shuttle to the airport) to ask about the status of my divorce. This was after she sent me a frantic email two days ago, asking if she could mention it in the Christmas newsletter. Not kidding. My mother is not a bad person, but we just don't sync and never have. I am the chick she hated in high school and it doesn't help things that I am tight with my (very technically step) dad. If a professional were evaluating our relationship, they would probably say we have attachment issues, or, more accurately, lack of attachment issues. In her defense, she was very young when she had me (21?), in a bad idea jeans marriage, and shortly thereafter, met my "step" dad and focused on that relationship.

B called me today (of course) to ask about ongoing issues and I had to explain one small glitch in my closing that required an additional document with his signature. I was lightly bitching about it, as the only reason it is required is because the jackhole mortgage broker (since discarded) clued the escrow company in on the fact that a divorce proceeding was imminent. Naturally, they want to cover their asses and refuse to prepare certain necessary docs (including the quit claim and excise tax forms). When I mentioned this to B, he promptly blurted out "tell those fuckers that it is bullshit, we aren't getting divorced and are working things out."

Uncomfortable silence ensued, then I explained that it wasn't a deal breaker, just a hassle for a few hours. Yes, I am thinking what you are thinking. No, not that - not thinking about getting back together. Not an option and not an even plausible possibility, as it would require Virgin Mary-type miracles (see, e.g. Bush trying to redeem his presidency), but I do believe, on some small level, that B actually thinks this relationship can be saved. This is primarily because I'm not cutting him out and we interact daily as we have for many moons, especially during our separation. I think that he believes we will comfortably or even awkwardly settle into a friendship that will ignore the pain and hurt he caused me.

Holy hell, will there be some tough love in the near term. I sort have it played out in my head. We'll go to dinner once his two big issues are resolved. We'll be civil and he might even be playful and loving. And then I will explain that I am filing the paperwork the next day and that I need at least six months of no contact. At that point, we can reevaluate and perhaps we can find some semblance of a relationship (friendship, obviously). But I need space -- and so much more than what we've done. This has been utterly one way for entirely too long and I am just beginning to realize how lonely I've been and how much I'd rather be alone.