Sunday, December 24, 2006

Sister Shoutout

Tonight, I rediscovered my belief in God. Allah. Buddah. Whatever. At 2:30am, no less.

I already wrote this post, but my goddamn computer fucked itself in a fury.

I sunk into a crazy false bottom tonight. I was dangerously depressed. I scared myself. I'm not going to go into it in detail, but I realized B's mom was faking it a few days ago and knew B and girl were en route the next day. Everything I knew and trusted was seemingly yanked from beneath me. Why lie? Why bullshit? This after about 10 really cruel text messages from B, getting locked out of my house, etc. I felt useless, worthless and utterly alone. I was literally crushed by my grief. I was convinced my kidneys were giving up, but alas, it was just menstrual cramps. I wanted to die, except I didn't want B to get the condo. Always an attorney, I guess. I am going to redo my will tomorrow. If I get hit by a bus in the interim, please let it be known that I want all of my estate to go to my sister, KC.

Earlier in the day, I made myself get out of the house and I took the dog to the dog park. We were there for two hours - we hiked, ran, walked, etc. I was still overwhelmed with the blue and needed to reach out. I knew I was in over my head and my head was kicking my ass. I NEVER reach out and I knew I needed to. Unfortunately, everyone I reached out to was MIA at that particular moment. And I felt stupid and worthless for needing help. Yes, own worst enemy and all that. I felt so incredibly terrible. Suffocating.

I had called my sister earlier in the day (with whom I am routinely estranged), even though we are currently ON A BREAK and not speaking to each other. KC and I have an odd relationship, in that we are tighter than tight at times and distant ships at others. She is currently mad at me (she is wrong, but I get it and probably deserve her ire) but I needed her. I needed someone. Anyone, preferably, someone who likes me. I am not skilled in the art of reaching out, but I reached out. KC's VM said "the subscriber is unavailabe." I called a few friends, got voice mails and sunk really, really deep into despair.

Don't hate yourself if I called you and got VM. Not your fault......not yours. Seriously -- it isn't your fault. Bad timing and all.

I got home and sort of collapsed in the entirety of it all. B taking the girlfriend home to meet mom. Mom lying and deflecting because she didn't know what to do. Me feeling crazy alone and despondent, ashamed and unfamiliar with this side of depression. High jinx ensued, as I tried to meet a friend for drinks, but in my state of mind, I got locked out.

So here I was, at 2 in the morning, hoping for sleep, and my phone rings. I ignore my phone regularly, but the time of day got my attention.

It was my sister. She saved me. Sure, it was a drunk dial, but it was sincere. I think I sobbed at least three times while I explained that her phone call -- at that time -- was exactly what I needed. My sister saved me tonight -- I was scary depressed and sad and now I know she may be here tomorrow. Honest to God, I believe in karma, but this is different. Her phone call made me believe in a higher power. I have a great family and great friends and I am so lucky. I am LUCKY!

My sister rescued me from a place of such sadness and heartbreak. I have to believe that a higher power put these actions into motion. I have to believe that. I may actually sleep tonight because I feel loved. Thank fucking God.

1 comment:

IGTF said...

Motherfucker did WHAT?

Oh shit, that fucking does it.