Friday, November 02, 2007

I Hate Falling Back

Writer Guy called again this morning, wanting to firm up plans for tonight, but true to form, I canceled. At some point in the conversation, he used the word "girlfriend," which all but solidified my decision. It sounds so incredibly lame, but I know that any relationship I get into right now will end badly. And yet I see the end of the year creeping up and find myself realizing that I am still pretty far from wanting to start something like that up again.

On one hand, I hate these ridiculous thoughts. Fuck it - go for it, K. What is the worst that could happen -- that it ends badly? I can live through that. I like this guy and we have pretty decent chemistry, but it isn't the same as the ones in the recent past. Perhaps that isn't a bad thing, seeing as how those ones also ended badly. On the other hand, there is something to be said for realizing your limitations, and right now, I wouldn't want to date me. In the middle is the realization that I have actually been alone for quite a while and that doesn't really bother me.

I keep saying this, but I want to work on further developing my existing friendships and relationships. I haven't done much in the way of that, for all of my blog talk, but it remains a goal. I know that if I started a full blown relationship with Writer Guy and just surrendered to my natural tendency to nest that relationship, that goal would fall by the wayside, and that is almost precisely why I know I am not yet ready for all of that. It is so much easier to throw yourself into something new, rather than rehabilitate what you already have.

Suddenly, 2008 seems too close for comfort. Perhaps the better perspective is to stop with this whole mindset of "everything is going to be better" come January 1, 2008 and start living in the goddamn moment and accept my present reality.

This post made no sense. Par for the course, I suppose.

And let me just conclude with how much I hate the end of Daylight Savings Time. So ridiculous. Hate getting up when it is dark, leaving for work while it is dark, then coming home when it is dark. Hate. Hate. Hate. I also hate that goddamn "Hey There, Delilah" song so goddamn much, but that has nothing to do with the topic at hand.

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