Saturday, November 17, 2007


Today was an illustrative day on why I should not be dating anyone for a while.

I woke up almost pissed off at MRE. Angry at him and myself. As Darbs and I went on the morning walk, I had this almost *pop* moment when I realized I was over it and him. In many, many ways, I dodged a huge bullet where he was concerned. I was days away from him moving in with him, when that was the last thing I wanted. Realistically, I would have walked all over him and resented him (and again, myself) for that - I will never again be bullied in a relationship, but I also don't want to be the bully. MRE and I had a meeting of the hearts and minds, but not temperaments and personalities. I was always so skeeved at his passive nature and, had we gone forward, I would have hated him and me for settling into something that was so clearly another cheerleading role. His confidence ended when his working day bell sounded and I would have been so exhausted propping him up.

Anyway - I was full into MRE-bashing-rewriting history when the pea IM'ed, excited about a book she just read. The Road, by Cormac McCarthy. I immediately flashed back to when MRE gave me that book, which I still haven't read. Suddenly, I missed him so much -- I missed my friend who is no longer in my life. We actually broke up properly - we ceased all communication, which is the only way to do these things. I just wish we were still friends. I am no longer attracted to him as a lover. Hard to explain, but my physical attraction to men is strongly tied to my perceptions of their confidence and character, and MRE scored poorly on those two when it mattered most. But I still miss his wit and humor and his goddamn intelligence. I still want to hear his opinion on at least one thing a day.

And these feelings are a 180 from this morning, which is why I cannot begrudge Writer Guy for thinking me to be "a lot of work." I am so unfamiliar with these wildly conflicting emotions, especially when they vary THROUGHOUT THE DAY. Actually, I am just so tired of fucking talking about feelings. Feelings aren't nearly as interesting as what you do with them, and lately, I just seem to do nothing right where feelings are concerned.

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