Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Drama Llama

Well, I screwed up that whole "post every day this month." Over it. This was a difficult yet great weekend and I am still sorting through some conflicting emotions.

Grandfather's memorial was 180% better than I could have imagined. It was really just an open house at his waterfront estate, and the best parts of it were getting to know my bio dad's friends and my grandfather's family. Grandpa's older sister and younger brother were there, and they were both so sharp and clever and funny. It was like Grandpa was in the room. For the second time in my life (the first being the biodad's memorial), I took a perverse pleasure in being told, over and over, how much I look like biodad. It sounds so stupid, but having a genetic connection to someone is something I didn't have growing up. It wasn't a big deal then, and isn't that big of one now, but I fully felt connected genetically this weekend.

My sister looks like my mother. My brothers look like their (and my only very technically step) dad. I never looked like anyone except Kelly, who also resembles the biodad. What truly set me aback was how.....warmly, deeply and earnestly that whole family welcomed both Kelly and I. There was no acknowledgment of the fact that we weren't legally family. Far, far from it.

I have a whole thought process on how fucked up it was for us to pretend that that side of the family never existed, but I am still putting it together in my head. Also, J remains an asshole. She wants to force a sale of her childhood home, the house that I promised my grandfather I would never allow to be sold. She wants money, which is always, ALWAYS, rears its ugly head when inheritances are concerned. If I could buy that million dollar estate, I would. May still try to figure it out.

Writer Guy and I are on the outs. I need some quiet time and he is noisy. Too noisy. I have enough people blaring in my ears. I don't want any of this drama and am having a hard time reconciling that with carrying out my grandfather's wishes. This is why the flying spaghetti monster invented the iphone. Tune the fuck out.

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