If I were trying to be clever, I would claim that the last post in this asinine blog was a tribute to the Sopranos, ending mid thought. In truth, I didn't intend for it to post and it was clearly unfinished. I started it days ago and had a stream of consciousness moment. I'd delete it, but whatthefuckever.
I didn't review my books and movies this week, as I don't know that I saw a movie, but did read two books. I'll do those later.
I am utterly preoccupied and for reasons that I probably need to write down, but won't tonight. The short version is that the person I am in love with is in a world of chaos and there is nothing I can do. I don't exist in the chaos. Denial and extreme avoidance? Yes, please. I have done that so well it should be considered an art form. Am really done with that whole tactic. But I know and remember all too well the chaos part of it and was so flustered by it. I don't thrive on drama and chaos and am truly a nester at heart. I like routine. I like coming home every night to a known reality. I am so the far out of my comfort zone and am trying to remember the only truth I know.
I can only control me, my behavior, my actions, my acted-upon thoughts, and my own shit. That is it. Nothing else is in the side mirror of my control. I fully own every mistake, misstep, accomplishment, fuckup, victory, whatever -- as long as it is all mine. Hell, I have no fucking desire to control anyone's shit, as mine is more than enough for me. I have no interest or desire in knowing or controlling B's shit, but am strangely wired to care about this new man - my man -- and his state of mind. And he is struggling mightily.
And, on the other side of the equation, I find myself wondering this. At no point in my life have I fully surrendered and said "hey, help me. I am struggling because I fucked up and don't know what to do." I think that takes more courage than I have exhibited in my short time on this planet. Usually, I develop a course of action and follow it - take the high road, don't indulge the crazy or misfit social types, be true and honest to yourself and things will work themselves out because That Is How The World Works. Thing is, it doesn't always work that way. It doesn't always work out with the proverbial happy ending and the gray area? Yeah, things aren't always so sunny.
No point, as always, to this random post. Just realizing, yet again, that I don't have all the answers and rarely have the perfect solution to a terrific problem.