Through The Looking Glass

I am starting to think this little corner of the internet is stupid and self-indulgent. I am a pretty private person, yet I hit the publish button and share random, private thoughts. But now, even if I nuked this whole thing out of orbit, Google's cache would keep it forever. I don't give the posts enough thought before permanently putting it on the internet. I am not a thoughtful blogger, as often, I reread the previous night's post and just wince and cringe.

Why the holy hell am I writing this shit publicly (and I use that term generously, as this is pretty protected). I have had two high profile bloggers ask if they could link to this and I shrieked back in text that I DON'T WANT ATTENTION OR TRAFFIC. I have never been comfortable in the spotlight, or, probably more honestly, put under a microscope. I don't want to be examined under high definition. I would loathe the idea of being a public figure. Too many skeletons, too many mistakes, too many flaws. Fuck no. Internet people are just fucking mean, too. I include myself in that group.

I remind myself that I started this as an alternative to therapy. A way to hear myself talk, so to speak, and a record of where I've been and where I am trying to go. If I can hang onto that, I can keep this up. Right now, this all feels so goddamn immature, stupid, and useless.

Fuck it. I'll start a new post and see if I can soldier on.