Adventures in Not Dating

copied and pasted goodness, with certain redactions

Writer Guy: You know, you don't actually date. You agree to dates, then you cancel them.

Me: Yes. It is my 2007 version of dating.

Writer Guy: Just so you know, that is maddening. I know I said I would wait until next year, but I may start seeing other people from now until NYE. Solely in protest of your cancellation policy. RUDE AS ALL GET OUT!

Me: Completely understandable. If we were dating, this would be the time that I would tell you that I don't date men who are dating other women. No judgment, but that is just how I roll. I can't date more than one person at a time. Or won't.

Writer Guy: Do you know what dating means?

Me: Yes. Which is why I am not dating. Just making dates and canceling them.

Writer Guy: So you're telling me that when you do start dating in 2008, you are only going to date me?

Me: *silence*

Writer Guy: You haven't thought this plan all the way through, have you?

Me: *silence*

Writer Guy: Hold up. A question. Are you not dating anyone else right now?

Me: *pregnant pause* Well, no, not really.

Writer Guy: Discernible pause detected, cupcake (Ed. note: copyright infringement detected). Are you auditioning potential 2008 dates and I am just one of those vying for your affection?

Me: Dude. Do you watch The Bachelor or something? There will be no rose ceremony in this scenario. If you are a writer who watches reality television, we may have an issue here.

Writer Guy: God, you can be such a snob. And I LOVE THAT about you. Besides, you watch Top Chef.

Me: *silence* (egregious use of the word "love," plus use of a fact he learned whilst scrolling through my DVR)

Writer Guy: How can we have an issue if we are not dating?

Me: Exactly.

Writer Guy: Wait. You said we may have an issue. We have issues? Already? We aren't even dating. How can we have issues if we aren't dating?

Me: Exactly.

Writer Guy: So are we on for Friday, or should I just expect an email on Thursday night, explaining that your dog is sick and that you need to take her to doggie yoga or something?

Me: BRILLIANT!

It didn't seem to be the right time to ask him for advice on how to cancel the date I made Friday with Gym Guy, since (1) it obviously conflicts with the plans I intend to cancel with him and (2) it would be a little awkward to ask him for nondating advice. I had to say yes to the invite - Gym Guy delivered such a kickass line and I admire that kind of confidence and initiative. I think you owe it to those folks to reward the effort with an acceptance. Thing is, he set up something for Friday which is (1) very much a date night and therefore a date and (2) I am kind of nervous about going out with someone who is significantly older than me.

With two exceptions, one more recent, I have not been involved with anyone younger than me. I always dated older men. B is six years older and that was kind of perfect. Gym Guy seems older (I am guessing 45-47, but I am terrible at guessing ages), and for whatever reason, that has thrown me off base. Not that I am imagining any type of relationship with Gym Guy, but I can be remarkably immature and unrefined in my usual state of being. I say "dude" (which B absolutely hated). I am usually up-to-the-minute in stupid celebrity gossip. I have Tupac, Fergie, Justin Timberlake and Mandy Fucking Moore on my iphone. I went to a Halloween party this year dressed as a battered woman (two black eyes and my arm in a sling and on crutches, and yes, it was tacky but kind of funny). If you really are as old as you feel, most days, I am 29. I can certainly turn on my mature, politics-obsessed, well-read self, which is completely authentic, but I haven't yet had to stifle my inner goofball. And I really don't want to, anyway.

I know I am going to cancel on Gym Guy tomorrow, or, if I am feeling especially bold, perhaps rescheduling for tomorrow night, rather than Friday. I also need to cancel/reschedule the Saturday night date with Iranian Guy That I Met At The Grocery Store. Who was also confident and took a chance by gently hitting on me, which is why I said yes. If I had a shrink, which I don't, since I blog on a quasi-private corner of the internet, I imagine she (always a she) would say that I have control issues and don't like not knowing exactly how the date will go. That I would rather come home, play with my perfectly groomed dog, and muse about a potential date from afar. That dating is more fun in my imagination than in practice.

Well, fuck her. There is a reason blogger is free and shrinks charge $150 an hour. I can haz introspecktion 4 free!

(nope, still can't pull off the LOLCats meme)