Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Adventures in Not Dating

copied and pasted goodness, with certain redactions

Writer Guy: You know, you don't actually date. You agree to dates, then you cancel them.

Me: Yes. It is my 2007 version of dating.

Writer Guy: Just so you know, that is maddening. I know I said I would wait until next year, but I may start seeing other people from now until NYE. Solely in protest of your cancellation policy. RUDE AS ALL GET OUT!

Me: Completely understandable. If we were dating, this would be the time that I would tell you that I don't date men who are dating other women. No judgment, but that is just how I roll. I can't date more than one person at a time. Or won't.

Writer Guy: Do you know what dating means?

Me: Yes. Which is why I am not dating. Just making dates and canceling them.

Writer Guy: So you're telling me that when you do start dating in 2008, you are only going to date me?

Me: *silence*

Writer Guy: You haven't thought this plan all the way through, have you?

Me: *silence*

Writer Guy: Hold up. A question. Are you not dating anyone else right now?

Me: *pregnant pause* Well, no, not really.

Writer Guy: Discernible pause detected, cupcake (Ed. note: copyright infringement detected). Are you auditioning potential 2008 dates and I am just one of those vying for your affection?

Me: Dude. Do you watch The Bachelor or something? There will be no rose ceremony in this scenario. If you are a writer who watches reality television, we may have an issue here.

Writer Guy: God, you can be such a snob. And I LOVE THAT about you. Besides, you watch Top Chef.

Me: *silence* (egregious use of the word "love," plus use of a fact he learned whilst scrolling through my DVR)

Writer Guy: How can we have an issue if we are not dating?

Me: Exactly.

Writer Guy: Wait. You said we may have an issue. We have issues? Already? We aren't even dating. How can we have issues if we aren't dating?

Me: Exactly.

Writer Guy: So are we on for Friday, or should I just expect an email on Thursday night, explaining that your dog is sick and that you need to take her to doggie yoga or something?


It didn't seem to be the right time to ask him for advice on how to cancel the date I made Friday with Gym Guy, since (1) it obviously conflicts with the plans I intend to cancel with him and (2) it would be a little awkward to ask him for nondating advice. I had to say yes to the invite - Gym Guy delivered such a kickass line and I admire that kind of confidence and initiative. I think you owe it to those folks to reward the effort with an acceptance. Thing is, he set up something for Friday which is (1) very much a date night and therefore a date and (2) I am kind of nervous about going out with someone who is significantly older than me.

With two exceptions, one more recent, I have not been involved with anyone younger than me. I always dated older men. B is six years older and that was kind of perfect. Gym Guy seems older (I am guessing 45-47, but I am terrible at guessing ages), and for whatever reason, that has thrown me off base. Not that I am imagining any type of relationship with Gym Guy, but I can be remarkably immature and unrefined in my usual state of being. I say "dude" (which B absolutely hated). I am usually up-to-the-minute in stupid celebrity gossip. I have Tupac, Fergie, Justin Timberlake and Mandy Fucking Moore on my iphone. I went to a Halloween party this year dressed as a battered woman (two black eyes and my arm in a sling and on crutches, and yes, it was tacky but kind of funny). If you really are as old as you feel, most days, I am 29. I can certainly turn on my mature, politics-obsessed, well-read self, which is completely authentic, but I haven't yet had to stifle my inner goofball. And I really don't want to, anyway.

I know I am going to cancel on Gym Guy tomorrow, or, if I am feeling especially bold, perhaps rescheduling for tomorrow night, rather than Friday. I also need to cancel/reschedule the Saturday night date with Iranian Guy That I Met At The Grocery Store. Who was also confident and took a chance by gently hitting on me, which is why I said yes. If I had a shrink, which I don't, since I blog on a quasi-private corner of the internet, I imagine she (always a she) would say that I have control issues and don't like not knowing exactly how the date will go. That I would rather come home, play with my perfectly groomed dog, and muse about a potential date from afar. That dating is more fun in my imagination than in practice.

Well, fuck her. There is a reason blogger is free and shrinks charge $150 an hour. I can haz introspecktion 4 free!

(nope, still can't pull off the LOLCats meme)


Norm said...


cornutt said...

61? If you mean age, I am going to have to call foul. No goddamn way. No one older than my dad.