ihope

I wrote this whole post last night about the banality of my shopping excursion this weekend but it was so remarkably uninteresting. My ipod nano died (RIP) and me and the pea shlepped it over to Bellevue (Eastside suburb - very new money and upscale and pretty much my version of hell, just with better, designer labels) to get it replaced. I had actually done the research and knew that I should just replace my Nano and vowed not to get the iphone, which I didn't need. I have barely begun to use the scope of applications on my Blackberry, which I have had for less than a year.

Of course, I bought the goddamn iphone. And goddamn if I don't love the thing. I have resolved to actually learn how to use its many applications and not just use it as a phone and an ipod. My retail therapy is absolutely over, as I have overwhelmed both my attention span and my bank account. Here's hoping for no emergencies in the next month or so, and that simple gifts will suffice over the holidays.

I hate malls. I always have - I have some weird aversion to florescent lights, such that after one hour in the mall, I am positively exhausted and need a nap. I'm really not much of a shopper, either. I get in and get out as fast as I can and am generally not prone to just....browsing. I buy things that I need, or, at least, things that I have decided I need prior leaving the house. I cannot imagine anything more mind numbing that aimlessly wandering a mall, hoping that I will find something that catches my fancy. This little round of retail therapy was focused, to a degree, although I also picked up some truly bizarre odds and ends.

I have an exception to the hating malls thing. I confess that I love the energy of the malls during the holiday season. To be clear, I positively loathe Christmas shopping and delegated it to B throughout our marriage. I loathe the whole idea of feeling like you have to buy something for everyone in your life. That takes away the joy of giving gifts. I feel the same way about the 'end of year tips' thing. I would just as soon pick a random month and bonus whomever I wanted to bonus without some feeling of obligation that an end of year tip was owed. Or just give a weekly tip. So no, I don't like the commercialization of the two month holiday season, which I realize is going to start in two days.

What I love is the energy and buzz. And the sparkly lights and Christmas music. I love all kinds of Christmas music and sometimes, maybe on occasion, have been know to rock out with my cock out on truly awful, cheesy Christmas music in the heat of summer. I love Christmas lights more than I could ever express and have also been known to spend hours driving around, admiring both the obscenely tacky displays and the artful, imaginative decorations. Growing up in Saudi, Christmas decorations were verboten (although this didn't stop everyone), and it wasn't until I first started living with B that I got to spend Christmas in the States. I probably idealized Christmas in the States for so long that I now refuse to acknowledge its shortcomings. All I know is that Christmas lights will be going up next month and I can't wait.

This year is going to be even more eventful because of my brother's wedding on New Year's Eve. I am planning the rehearsal dinner (Space Needle) and starting to digest the reality that my brother is actually old enough to get married. I hate that I failed at it and that, among the siblings, we already have one divorce among us. I hate that it was me, even though I know that things are for the better now. I am better now. I am better for having had the courage to end a marriage that, while at times was pretty damn kickass, devolved into something that wasn't good for either of us. There are many days where I hate myself for not taking corrective action earlier and doing the proverbial "anything" to save the marriage, but at the end of the day, I am more hopeful now. And I am very hopeful for my brother, who waited long enough to get married to the right girl and who, I just know, will be a great husband and (eventual) father.

When I was a kid, I loved, LOVED Halloween. Not the dressing up part, and not really the candy part of it, but more of the social part of it. I don't think I have dressed in costume since B and I did Fred and Wilma ten years ago, but this year, I am excited for the holiday. Not because I intend to acknowledge it in any way, but the day after marks the start of the holiday season, which will culminate in two very significant milestones. Keeg will get married on NYE, and on the same day, I will formally end my marriage, once and for all.

Hopeful.