Cleaning House

It appears as though the B drama is nearly over and I can almost sense peace ahead. He left me a voice message today, indicating that he was not going to fight me on anything. It was a strange feeling to know he capitulated, but I got the sense that he is weary from other things.

We've been separated for almost three years now and I still find myself worrying about him from time to time, even when I know that he is far from the man I shared my life with for all those years. I think we are both better and both worse off from the whole divorce thing, which is probably almost always the case.

I resolved to come home tonight and really look at the "stuff." Am I really entitled to all of it? No. Hell no. And it is probably time to do some serious inventory of what really matters to me. What I truly treasure and pleases me and brings value to my life. And my home. So tonight, I am looking at the material stuff differently and asking myself some honest questions.

The truth of the matter is that little of it means much to me. Shit, that is hard to write, seeing as I have been so hell bent on not letting come in here and pick and choose what he wanted. Am I really so petty and stubborn that I refused to consider an equitable division of our personal property because I didn't like his attitude of entitlement? It would appear that it is decidIedly so. I think I just needed to come to this realization on my own terms and make the determination on my own terms. I didn't want to be bullied into any decisions as I have for so long where B is concerned. Maybe that is being petty, maybe I have been immature and stubborn, but I am thinking my way out of that.

I am not a material person, at least, for the most part. I am honestly trying to think of my most valued material possession. I don't think I can count my neurotic dog, as I have come to believe that I am her possession. I like most of the artwork in the condo and I enjoy admiring it, but if it was all stolen tomorrow? Yeah, I would cash the insurance check and probably only replace a few things.

Looking at it through that prism is illuminating when it comes to giving B some of our personal effects. It also makes me consider what B would willingly repurchase if given the funds. Replacement costs. Sunk costs. I look at almost everything through an equitable eye. I need to be more fair in terms of giving him some of our personal property, even though I know he isn't going to fight me for any of it. That just takes the pressure off, but doesn't relieve me of my obligation to do what I know in my heart is right. This is really about doing the right thing by me, not by him, although I have always done right by him and am nothing if not consistent.

Oddly enough, one of the few things he specifically said he wanted was the contents of our bar. I took a good look through it and had to admit that I myself will probably never drink those bottles of Johnnie Walker Blue, or the bottles of Bombay Sapphire, or single malt scotches, or the rare tequilas. Hell, I haven't touched them in three years. Still, I like knowing they are there for cocktail parties and get togethers and hell, when would I ever buy a $500 bottle of liquor? B hates to entertain, so the only reason he would have it is for himself or decoration. Who has the better claim?

I guess what I realized is that none of this material bullshit matters deeply to me and if I can step back from the situation, I should probably use some of my lawyerly sense of equitable distribution. I think that ridding myself and my home of things that don't really matter deeply to me is what needs doing. After the paperwork is signed and filed, I will do just that. It is long past time to focus on the stuff that makes me happy.