Thursday, July 19, 2007

It Begins at Home

One of the funny things about depression and loss -- people give the same advice. Exercise, take classes, volunteer, whatever. All of it is good advice. Some of it is more practical than other alternatives.

I miss him. Fuck, I miss my friend, my lover, my best confidant, my other part. I miss him. I miss him almost every hour of the day. ANYWAY.

It was the volunteering thing that got me thinking. I should volunteer with the Big Brothers/Sisters of King County. I need perspective. Giving of myself will offset whatever self-indulgent crap I have in me. That makes sense. Except for one thing.

I am a shit aunt to my niece. My sister's daughter. I am a pathetic excuse for an aunt. Which is inexcusable, knowing that I relied upon my own aunt A quite heavily growing up and into adulthood. My aunt A was my mother in many ways, although I have failed as her niece in the recent past. I have failed in many ways. My niece doesn't know me as anything other than the occasional family member. She deserves so much more. My sister has raised a wonderful child that I have not bothered to really get to know. I suck as a human being for that. I want to be more to her. I want to be her "A," although that is grandstanding and unlikely. God, I am such a self-absorbed asshole.

I have to go to LA next week. I am combining professional and personal stuff with all that. I am interviewing with studios in my spare time, but the whole trip is for a client that I need to help. I am pretty sure I have the offer I want for one studio, but that is incidental to my visit. I want to solve my client's woes and, in my spare time, make up for all of the crappiness that was my MO as an aunt. I want to apologize for being the world's worst aunt and start anew.

I want to know her and love her and have her love me because I have built and nourished our relationship. I want to become her favorite aunt* because of our relationship, not circumstances. I have a lot of makeup work to do. I can't tell my sister about coming there until I am on the plane. I have bullshit and promised her too many times. But my hope is that I can lay the foundation to be the aunt my sister always wanted me to be. I hope so. Also, am looking forward to taking my niece on a few rollercoasters. I think it would be a refreshing change to ride a real one.

*Am technically her only aunt, but whatever.

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