Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Courage of Conviction

Could not be more over myself if I tried. Where the fuck have I been this year? We will just chalk up 2007 as the year of transition and be done with it. Holy hell. I should have worn a helmet. Lord knows, I was riding the short bus.

Logged in 10 miles today -- walking or running. I went to this kickass class this morning that was equal parts kick boxing and ballet. At my advanced age, it takes a lot of effort to get back to your self, but am very much on the way. I highly recommend against the depression diet, as I dropped at least ten pounds and most of that was probably hair and water. Am loving my spinning class as well, and have a soccer game on Friday and a softball game on Saturday. God love the PacNW in the summer.

Am awed at the response to the girls' weekend in Vegas. I haven't even alerted the locals and we're already up to 20. I rented a kickass suite for the Grand Central Station of it all. In November. An early celebration of what we are thankful for and what we intend to honor. Friends are the family you choose and all that.

I signed four new clients in July. Fun, interesting clients. I also landed a major studio (that wanted me in house) as their of-counsel, which, given the Vancouver connection, keeps me busy.

I got asked out tonight at Greenlake. I smiled, thanked him for his attention, but said that I won't be dating until 2008. Am in no shape for a relationship with anyone other than myself. I do hope I made a new friend. I am in no condition to start a relationship with anyone but myself and I am cool with that. So very cool. I was pretty goddamn selfless for a number of years and have no qualms about taking some time for me. And my neurotic dog.

This is progress -all of it. I am utterly in charge of what I want and I have no idea what that is right now. I feel hopeful for the first time in a while and have realized that I am my own best date and friend. I have no need for weak characters or chickenshits. I am a lot of things, but chickenshit isn't one of them.

Oh, and B is trying to play nice. He has petitioned the court to invalidate our divorce, but he is doing it stupidly and pro se. I know that if a court reviews our prior settlement agreement, they will see that I gave up over $100K, and that is just in past earnings, not retirement. B was all bark and no bite. So lame.

One of the things I have come to realize is that I need more than a bark. I don't bullshit, I don't make promises I can't keep. I need, if I actually need a man, I need someone stronger than me. I am so utterly bored with those who cannot do what they say.


ellagood said...

no dating until 2008 - ok.

but you are still trying to get laid, right?

cornutt said...

Funny you should ask that, as I am noodling a thought about who I would want to sleep with if I were so inclined.

Since my divorce, and after my last relationship, I have realized a lot about myself sexually. When the trust is there, well, holy fuck, anything is possible. I don't know that you can glean that kind of trust with a casual partner, but maybe so. Maybe the trust has to come within. Hello, fortune cookie manufacturer.

I never had that trust with my now ex-husband, so maybe all bets are off. I don't know. That long of less than fulfilling sex can absolutely take its toll on you and make you feel less than adequite, but I know I have it in me now. But I now require good sex - where the guy knows what to do and knows how to accept it as well.

I think, at this stage of the game, it is probably a never married (with no bad habits).