All the Drugs

Continuing along series of personal failures in the recent past, I think I am going to have to surrender to drugs. Antidepressants, that is.

Fuck, I have no judgment against others who use them. This is something much more personal for me. I have always been able to think my way out of a tough situation. Always. With the proper amount of mental and physical discipline, I could handle my shit and overcome whatever obstacles I encountered.

It is still pretty early and raw and all of that, but I don't know how much longer I can take this. Randomly weepy, but never able to get a good cry on. Distracted and having a very hard time focusing, and at the worst possible professional time. No appetite whatsoever and going days (unintentionally) without eating. This latter symptom is contributing to an inordinate amount of hair shedding, which scares the shit out of me. The inexplicable panic attacks (or anxiety attacks - not sure what they are) are daunting as well. I feel horrible that I never understood others who complained of depression and these kinds of panic/anxiety attacks.

I had a therapist who referred to antidepressants as "reliable shortcuts." I fired her shortly thereafter because she didn't understand my resistance to altering the chemistry of my body and mind. Thing is, I need some help getting through this and I really don't know how to get it. I am going to sweat it out for the rest of the month and see if my usual self routine of exercise and meditation and writing help me gather some emotional momentum. I have a decent therapist who isn't jonesing for me to get on the drugs, although he does think I would benefit from them.

I feel almost paralyzed at times and I can't talk to the person I most want to talk to. I lost one of my closest friends and the only person who could really understand this.

Feh. Even as I type this, I am ashamed. I could be living in Danfur. I could be serving in Iraq. I could be Courtney Love. This all seems so incredibly self-indulgent and melodramatic. I am not that person. I just can't seem to find my way back yet and am incredibly uncomfortable in this place.