Friday, May 18, 2007

Whoa Nelly

I can't shake the pissed off state of mind. Am now convinced that I have some quirky, odd-ball style of dealing with real and perceived transgressions, such that I don't deal with them in real time. So, in the interest of improving mental health, let's just compose a fuck you list, assembled in no particular order:

1. Fuck you, profession of law. It is rarely about really helping someone navigate the morass of regulations and formalities and more about ways for businesses to gain a competitive edge or people finding ways to fuck with each other with the government's stamp of approval. The rare time that you encounter someone who has a legitimate, bona fide problem that needs redress? The system is stacked so far against them that they might as well blow the clueless, just-collecting-my-paycheck judges who think their black robes act are halos. Judges? Not just fallible. Often - hell, almost always -- lazy government employees who long ago lost their faith in the system.

2. Fuck you, law firm business model. Charging for 1/10th of an hour is just bullshit. Invent a better mousetrap - this one is no good for the client or the attorney. Note to clients: stop suing your attorneys for not getting the result that you wanted. It drives up the cost of malpractice (see, e.g. health care industry) and prevents us from representing you in the best way we know how.

3. Fuck you, irritating fellow associate: Look, I know you are a nice person and that no one has ever pointed out your ridiculously irritating quirks because they know that. But finishing my sentences for me? Okay, mildly endearing when your new paramour does it, but even then, it grows old really fast. I don't care how much we think alike or how you are on the same page intellectually. Cupcake? I am hundreds of steps ahead of you. Also? Your voice gets really crackly when you think you are making a point that everyone else knows. A strong voice is much more assuring and communicates confidence in the message. You sound like the kid in The Shining ("red rum!") and the inexplicable burst into laughter? Very little about the law is funny, unless you are reading a Scalia opinion. You should also take active steps to reduce your tendency to roll your beady eyes. Not a good look. It scares me each and every time.

4. Fuck you, people with very little situational reading comprehension and social skills. There is a reason you look around and find yourself without friends that don't live on your computer screen. Seriously. What is it about the internet that gets people so worked up and so utterly estranged from traditional social skills? Have an issue with someone? Talk to them directly, lay your cards on the table and resolve the issue one way or the other. If you lived next door to each other, would you really pull your curtains shut, barricade the door and randomly toss out messages in a bottle? Who the fuck does that? You might find that your perception of things isn't the end all, be all of reality. Jesus. Some people only exist online.

5. Fuck you, carbohydrates (generally) and unbleached white flour (specifically). There is no good reason I shouldn't be able to enjoy a turkey panini with pesto on ciabatta bread or Phad See Iw without feeling completely bloated. I take care of my body (HA) and should be able to eat whatever the fuck I want if I give you an hour's worth of exercise each day.

6. Fuck you, irregular cells. Things evolve and maybe just because they don't look like everything else in my body doesn't mean the sky is falling, Dr. Chicken Little. I know we have a few dates together and I will be no worse for the wear, but fuck you for giving me another thing to worry about. Double fuck you for the suggestion of Tamoxifen, or, my personal favorite, radiation-induced treatment.

7. Fuck you, aging. I believe that people grow into their features and get better with age. Fuck you for hating suntans and a healthy color in your face.

8. Fuck you, Home Owners Association. You want to assess us to improve the building? Don't fucking piecemeal it. Hit me with your best shot. Fire away. Just do it right the first time and don't ask me to come clean up your mess three years later because you tried to solve the problem on the cheap. Am not cheap. Perfectly willing to solve the entire problem in one fell swoop.

9. Fuck you, I-really-believe-you-are-my-ex-husband: So tired of arguing whether we are divorced. I have the decree, but keep on keeping on with the whole "we're still married" bullshit. Don't know what to make of the notice I got AT HOME about our proceeding, but suffice to say, in the snowball's chance in hell we are still married? I will handle it, as I handled every fucking misstep in our marriage. Related: stop trying to sleep with me. It isn't going to happen. Wasn't good then, no expectations that profound anger will make it better. And no, I don't want to stay married indefinitely. Grow the fuck up. Oh, and no. I don't want to be GC at your company. The idea of working with you every day? Worse than morning sickness, at least as I have heard it described.

10. Fuck you, romantic fate. This is the card you dealt me? Sofa king rude.

Fuck everyone. I am just tired and done. Fuck me, I am just pissed off.


Norm said...

#6. Wait, what?

Email me?

Talix said...

What he said.

Law said...

Yeah, what she said.