Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Rear View Window

Today (and last night) was interesting on the B front. He had sent me a text message on Sunday (after getting reports of seeing me with another man - SCANDALOUS) that said "let's talk on Monday in Florida" (he was in Florida, apparently). I didn't respond. My head was somewhere else.

Last night, I got home from a friend's birthday dinner and heard the Blackberry chime - text message. It was B, asking "can we talk on Thursday?" I was just relaxed enough to respond and I called him. Got voice mail. Odd, in that he just sent a text message, but okay. I didn't leave a message and just sent a text saying "what is on your mind?" A few seconds later? Another chime, another voice mail. Fucker was awake, but not answering his phone. I called him again. Voice mail again. The hell? Who prefers texting over voice? I replied to his text (wherein he expressed a desire to "see where things were") and said "answer your phone and we can talk." Again with the chime - another text message. This was an alternate universe.

We exchanged seven text messages, each weirder than the previous. In all the time I was with him, I never knew him to choose written words over voice. It was irritating. At one point, he told me he "didn't want any drama. I know it is hard, but try not to have drama."

I was furious. Not once in all of this did I opt for drama where he was concerned. Not once. I have been coasting on the high road, at least where our relationship was concerned. I stopped with the texting and went to bed. Fuck that noise.

I woke up, still pissed off and sent him a text to that effect. "Bullshit on insinuating I have ever created drama in all of this. Quite the opposite. You initiated a conversation that I preferred to have in voice and in real time, not via short text messages. Don't rewrite history to make it seem as though I behaved as a drama queen in this." That got a rambling voice mail in reply that made almost no sense. He retracted the drama comment and instead criticized my failure to communicate. Laughable, but there you go.

I had a meeting that went very well, and afterwards, I called him back. We started off sort of combative (at least on his end) and it looked as though the conversation would end badly. But somehow, we managed to get past the stupid stuff and somehow launched into a really terrific conversation. For an attorney, I really seem to have an aversion to conflict and that goes for B. Although it is way too soon to be friends, we will always have a connection to each other that transcends a lot of things. We grew up together as adults. Right or wrong, we have a history together and a style of communication between us that is brutally honest at times.

At one point - after the combat -- we were just laughing and joking and being B&K. We can do that well after many years of practice. During one exchange, he called me "P" (the name of his current girlfriend). I threw my head back and laughed so hard. He tried to move past it, but I insisted it was worth a quality laugh. I told him that he better not make the same mistake the other way, as she might not find it as amusing. There was a hearty, hearty laugh at that point and, for maybe a few minutes I was talking to the guy I married. Didn't miss being married to him, but I had a few minutes with that man - my friend, my history. We shared some of the details of our life (my brother got engaged, my great aunt died, I had a biopsy today, the status of his parents, his job, his interests).

It was good. I have reasons to hate B, but I can't. I loved him for too long and we have too much history to be enemies. We can't be friends just yet -- he kept saying "we will always be each other's touchstones, Kari" -- but I cut him off and told him we wouldn't. Not now. We agreed to meet on Thursday to settle out a few things that need settling. I am actually looking forward to it. I do miss B, but in ways I can't really explain. It is not unlike missing an old friend, years after you realized that you stopped being friends because of past slights.

I just can't live in a world of ongoing conflict. I confront it, stare at it, deal with it and move onward. I know that B and I will always love each other. I know that. I know that I could say the right words and we could probably make a second go at us. I don't want that. I don't think I am ready to have B as a friend, as I know how tenuous his grasp on the concept really is. But as far as I am concerned? He and I? We're cool like Fonzie.

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