Thursday, December 13, 2007

Passion Fruit or Durian

I am in some whacked out, end-of-the-year funk and I cannot seem to shake it. Is it just being anxious at getting some, oh, major life event over done with, gone with? That's surely part of it. Excitement for my brother's wedding? Definitely. Boredom and burnout at work? 180%. Mostly, I think, no, I know, that I created this completely artificial line in my sand, where the old life ends and the new life begins. Right now, I want to jump into the new life.

I'm completely ADD about that, too. Travel back to Colombia. Maybe take a job overseas. Contemplate the idea of a new relationship. Too many potential changes, and yet I am kind of intoxicated by the possibilities. I just want to get this year the fuck over, get the final divorce hearing the fuck over, dance and celebrate the joy of my brother's wedding, and wake up to 2008 with shit behind me.

Here is what I know for certain - the status quo isn't working for me, and I alone have the capability of altering the status quo. That is both empowering and kind of paralyzing. I have this tendency to shake everything up and bite off way more than I can chew, which is why I have been so cautious over the past few months. I do so much better with baby steps and building momentum and I need to harness that skill sooner, rather than later.

What do I want most? I want to love to go to work and feel challenged and stimulated by my professional life. Perhaps that is a misplaced priority, but that is what I want most. I don't have it now, and my firm is not to blame. Well, not entirely. This is more me realizing that I do need a line drawn somewhere between then and now, and my current employment might be a casualty of that need. I am willing and eager to work 12 hours a day, but want to do it for something I feel passionately about.

And that, in a nutshell, is it. I want to feel passion again. Once you've tasted it, in whatever form, you crave it. I realize that actually desiring passion is a luxury most folks can't entertain. Hell, I am not sure that I am not being melodramatic and impractical by desiring it. My dad has one of the strongest work ethics I've ever known, yet I doubt he would describe himself as passionate about his work. He takes great pride in a day and job well done, but I don't think he is in his dream job. He takes more pleasure in hanging out with his kids when he is home and being around family. Maybe my priorities are just completely fucked, as I am pursuing an opportunity that would take me far away from my family.

The lesson I learned in the course of my breakup with B is that ultimately, I am responsible for the course my life has taken and the direction it can go. Sobering, that. It is a liberating and kind of scary realization. Unhappy? No one to blame but me. Bored? Ditto. Unfulfilled? Here's looking at you, kid. The buck firmly stops with me, and any setbacks or heartaches I have had are behind me. I can either look over my shoulder and risk running into walls, or dare to look ahead.


Norm said...

Durian -- smells awful, tastes great. Damn, girl: you deep. ;)

cornutt said...

Heh. I just realized something of monumental importance.

I get divorced, dance to my brother's wedding and toast your birthday from a few thousand miles. Fuck, is it NYE yet?

And you have had durian? Color me impressed - I thought it was one of my obscure references.