Close Calls

This thought has been rattling around my brain for a few weeks and is probably not all the way thought out.

I cannot believe how many times I have narrowly averted a disaster or worse. It has happened so frequently that I have questioned my agnostic take on things. I look back upon the times in college that I willfully drove drunk, purposefully running stop signs and I am profoundly ashamed. Waking up the next morning to check if my car was present and intact because I could not remember the drive home. Horrifying to think about now.

Going back even further, I remember an episode in fourth grade, where my best friend and I resolved to wear bras to school. I had developed breasts at a very early age and actually needed one, while my BFF at the time just wanted to wear one (of mine - I had an older sister). We both went to school with bra straps, but Julie caved mid-day. She took hers off and surreptitiously passed it to me. I took mine off in a show of solidarity and stuffed both of them into my desk. They were stored there for most of the day, until I randomly decided to stuff them into my backpack. Not two minutes later, I got busted for passing notes with Julie and the teacher (equal parts asshole and cool guy) came over to desk and proceeded to dump it over (in response to my protestation that I was not passing notes). Had he done that five minutes earlier? My entire class would have seen two bras on the floor, which probably would have scarred me for life.

From a contemporary standpoint, I have dodged more bullets than some characters in The Matrix. I could list of them now, but it would be humbling and humiliating. I am not certain if it is just dumb luck (that I get away with some truly stupid shit) or something more than that. I am not a religious person, but do contemplate the existence of a higher power. I kind of have to consider that, as I have been tremendously lucky. Lucky.

Most recent ex (hereinafter referred to as "MRE")? I dodged a crazy ass bullet there. While I loved a lot of things about him and admired and contemplated a long term thing with him, he also scared the fuck out me. MRE needed me a lot more than I needed him, at least emotionally, and had it all gone forward, I would have found myself in the position of ca retaking an emotionally needy person. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and something I am well equipped to do. But I came so very close to having MRE move in with me and assuming all of his issues and drama and shortcomings. I, in essence, would have assumed the drama and turmoil of his life at the expense of my own. Worse, and confessionally, I did not have the ultimate courage to voice these concerns. I did it superficially, but never really said what I was thinking. I would have had a nicer B to contend with. Needy, selfish, and not really as great of a man and person as I want. I was better for him than he was for me. Sofa king tired of that. MRE will forever be the most fatal bullet I dodged.

I want a lot. I realize that. I will hold out for what I want.