Flipping Coins

Had to drive in this morning and ergo, drive home. Another day, another vehicle ran that damn light. This time,to make things interesting, it was a several ton concrete truck. Unreal.

On this Angry Thursday, I got my rage on about the divorce thing. Colossal fuck up by my attorney, but it may not be as dramatic as originally presented. She is throwing herself on the mercy of the court, so to speak, shouldering the blame and pleading that her misstep doesn't prejudice the client. Only thing is, the court is slightly less sympathetic when the client is also an attorney - even an intellectual property one. I have a decree that is voidable and the original petition was dismissed by the court, but there is still a decent chance that the court will reinstate it and allow my attorney to cure the procedural error.

I didn't use her to negotiate my divorce and, Alanisy, I only hired her to make sure I didn't fuck up anything procedurally. As incredibly pissed as I am at the whole situation, I just can't go after my attorney with both barrels. As a preliminary matter, there is the whole professional courtesy thing. Being a litigator myself, I am all too familiar with competing deadlines and the feast or famine nature of the scheduling demands. I have missed deadlines in my practice and, tellingly, both of them occurred when I was trying to do a favor for a family member or friend. My attorney and I aren't social friends, but she knew her role was limited. I should have been more vigilant about following up with her and taken a more active role in something that mattered so much.

Mostly, however, I have learned a lot about forgiveness, as well as the futility of channeling energy into being angry and vindictive. Suing her for malpractice? Well, I would likely recover my fees, which she has already volunteered to return. I could probably state some damages in the form of exposed liability to B's debts during the past few month, and could tack on some mental anguish claims about being still bound by social contract to B. I don't feel particularly entitled to those kinds of damages and the cost to her? Professional humiliation that will stay with her for the rest of her career. The inconvenience to me and the resultant irritation I feel? Those feelings don't justify causing that kind of lasting pain to her. It won't improve the situation in any meaningful and ultimately, won't add any value to me.

People - myself certainly included - fuck up. I cannot expect forgiveness for my mistakes if I am intolerant of those of others. Granted, this is a professional mistake, but it was just that - a mistake. An oversight. No malicious intent. Because I have some bizarre need to apply these observations to matters of the heart, I realized I need to abide by that formula more than I have. I also need to accept that the world has a sizable population of those who enjoy being angry and vindictive, often for their own entertainment. I am rather proud of not being a member of that populace.

Ultimately, however, I think that the underlying fallacy of that brand of thinking is the superficial sense of self esteem derived from belittling or antagonizing others. I am not certain that it is all that different from deriving your self esteem from a (theoretically) rewarding relationship, as the same false premise is involved - feeling good about yourself because of someone else, or, more pointedly, how that someone else makes you feel about yourself. Probably two sides of the coin, and I have certainly had my headshot on that other side. It can be addictive - the heady sense of self-importance and worth - when experienced at either the expense of, or through the estimation of, someone else.

The danger, of course, is ambivalence. What the fuck to do when the person no longer gives a shit what you think about them or what you think of them? WHERE IS YOUR SELF ESTEEM NOW?

Have no idea where I was going with this. Actually, that isn't exactly true. I had a whole line of thinking today about blogging (NB: this isn't blogging, this is me ACHIEVING PERSONAL GROWTH), but I am le tired and need a nap. Maybe I will write it anyway.