Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Better Living Through Blogging

Goddamn it, I may have to cancel my appearance at the Douglas dinner party. A case in which I am involved is blowing the fuck up and reaching near-hysteria. I will likely have to be in LA most of next week and should probably go during the weekend to get settled. No pun intended, but certainly desired.

The divorce drama? Holy fuck. It appears as though we failed at both marriage AND divorce. The decree was not finalized due to a clerical error of my attorney (she didn't file something that took it off the court calendar). I am still married and now must wait another ninety (90) days for the divorce to be final. My attorney is a seasoned divorce attorney and this was a colossal fuck up, the kind you sue your attorney for making. I cannot do that, as we all make mistakes, and I am getting my fees paid returned to me. That said, if this all blows up? I hope I can remain magnanimous. There is a chance she can plead with the court that the error was clearly clerical in nature and somehow avoid restarting the goddamn clock.

I couldn't feel less married if I tried. B wants to meet, of course, but I am of the "no contact" state of mind. Too soon to try to be friends, too late for anything else, and too tired of all of it. I have said before that I will always love the man I married and that remains true. He disappeared a long time ago and I have since given up that search and rescue mission. He cannot let go of me as his emotional safety net, but I have bid a fond farewell to that role and have to stand firm to that. He is an undeniable part of my history (wedding album continues to gather dust underneath my bed), but not any part of my future. I have to believe that I am not bitter for the experience, just wiser. I think I have a better idea of what I want in a partner and am holding out for it.

I should be more enraged about this whole situation, but I have attained that elusive state of apathy. I need to get refiled immediately and get this dissolved by the end of the year - I am NOT assuming our joint tax obligation another year and the IRS mercifully assesses your tax year marital status on the last day of the calendar year. That is the date of my brother's wedding, and I fully intend to be legally single by then. I should be a lot more pissed off at 2007 than I am, but I am honestly better now - in August of 2007 - better than I was in August of 2006.

Honestly better? I am better because I am more honest, both with myself and others. I am a ways from where I want to be, but I finally know where that is. America, fuck yeah.

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