Thursday, April 12, 2007


One of the stranger things I've discovered after a few years of being a practicing attorney is that I am almost the opposite of the stereotypical shark lawyer. I don't crave conflict and, for the most part, am much more geared toward resolution. So much of the job is trying to resolve conflicts, even though the perception is that attorneys are bloodthirsty opportunists.

Reading back over this blog, I realize that is true in my personal life. I didn't pick many fights during the course of the divorce. I was so angry at so many times and so hurt, but it never really occurred to me to launch a battle. B was always so capable of getting angrier and meaner than I could ever muster and truthfully, living in that state of mind was so far from where I wanted to be. It isn't stable and never leads to anything positive and rewarding.

The relationship as I knew it ended. Both our faults. We both let it end. It was probably just time, as we were no longer working towards the same thing. I am just as responsible as B - he just pushed the issue to the forefront. We both buried our heads in the sand during the separation and completely ignored the issue. I said (at the time) that I was waiting for a grand gesture from him, to show me that he would do anything and everything to keep the story of us together. I really believed that at the time, but in hindsight, where everything is clear, the truth is that I while I was not quite ready to surrender the idea of that story, I didn't do everything and anything to keep us together. I just sort of avoided it and escaped elsewhere.

I regret that the most, I think. I lost a few years, numbing the fuck out and not really working towards becoming the woman and person I really want to be. I think I am just now on that road and it is a daunting road ahead. There is certainly value in learning from my mistakes and not repeating them, so I spend a certain amount of time revisiting the mistakes of my past. Humbling, that. Humiliating, even. But I am working not to dwell on it - it is now out of my control - I can't rewrite history or revise it to support a different conclusion. But I can make changes now and rewrite the future. One that veers away from the mistakes and missteps of the past.

That seems entirely more productive that rubber necking over my shoulder and wallowing in regret. Forgiveness is perhaps the most proactive thing I can do, both of B and of myself. Forgiveness requires humility and self-awareness and acknowledgement and ownership of your mistakes, and ultimately, it also assures forward movement. I need to build some momentum and I think it begins with a pretty thorough accounting. I am almost there and that feels like considerable progress.

This sounds remarkably like a fucking self help post. It isn't intended to be. I've just found that writing this shit down? Really giving it some quality and intense analysis? Well, that kicks the shit out of self pity and regret and is something I can do to take control when my thoughts become defeating. At the end of the day, I have to look myself in the mirror and question whether I am proud of who I am.

Getting there. Baby stepping like Bob.

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