Monday, September 25, 2006

Top 10 Assumptions for Communication in the Near Term


I know that during this separation, I was remarkably available and amicable with you, always believing that we would eventually work it out and ride off into the sunset. I believed this for reasons I still don't understand, aside from a profound overestimation in your character. I'm seeing a clearer picture now, but still strive to have one of those "civil" divorces that pepper urban mythology. To that end, I strongly suggest you adopt the following assumptions during our upcoming "pre-decree" dealings, as failure to do so will resort in an unnecessarily ugly divorce:

1) Assume that I know of every transgression you made during our marriage, both before and after separation. It is a very safe assumption, even if you think I didn't know about it at the time. Truth is, I let entirely too much shit slide, again, owing to that whole "overestimation of your character" thing, together with some really unhealthy denial, largely owing to the same. Take specific notice of the time period shortly before the separation and today, as I have learned a lot from you about playing dirty and gaining information.

2) Further to #1, assume that I did what you would have done, had you wondered about my intentions and dedications to this relationship. Consider that carefully. Very carefully. How would you have investigated certain things? That's how I did it. B-style.

3) Assume that anything approximating friendship is gone. Fin. You destroyed that possibility with your complete disregard of our relationship. At the moment, the only emotions I feel towards you are profound sadness, pain and rage.

4) As you well know, I don't make decisions based on emotional states of mind. Assume that if you don't further bullshit, disrespect or humiliate me, I won't publicly grind my axe. That is, your secrets are safe with me, so long as you don't exacerbate an already horrible situation.

5) Assume that I don't want to hear from you for casual conversation and general "checking in." If you have specific questions about the terms of our marital dissolution, I'll try to answer them in a straightforward manner. I am only interested in moving forward with the divorce, not rehashing the reasons it came to this. Lord knows, I can (and routinely) do that on my own time. I don't consider you a friend at all -- quite the contrary -- and hearing from you only serves to provoke me emotionally. Get a divorce attorney, who will tell you that I am being cool like Fonzie right now. Seriously. Spend the money, even for this "uncontested" divorce.

6) Assume that I know everything. Bears worth repeating, even if you think you were utterly discreet and secretive. Don't try to play innocent or blameless. I know. About a lot of things.

7) Assume that you can have anything you want from our personal property (with a few exceptions). I do not intent to profit from this marriage, despite the advice of the best divorce attorneys in town. As vindictive as I feel right now, I am trying very hard not to resort to that.

8) Assume that I am smarter and more perceptive than you ever gave me credit for. Again, my abiding faith in your ultimate character led me astray. I also learned a lot from you. Sadly, you are now not half the man I married twelve years ago, despite being twelve years older.

9) Assume that I am not the "happy go lucky" person you were married to for 12 years. Right now, I have wildly contrasting emotions and am prone to bursting into tears or punching a wall. Rage is an emotion that right now? I am wholly comfortable and familiar with. You would be well advised not to provoke these sentiments, which are bubbling at the surface. You had the advantage for most of our married life -- you could always get madder and meaner. That advantage no longer exists. I promise you that I can get madder and meaner now than you could ever imagine getting.

10) Assume that my abiding refrain is fuck you. Fuck you for discarding and disrespecting a love and friendship that spanned 14 years. I am so filled with self-hate for all of the things I did in your support. I was a true partner to you and you disregarded all of that and never tried to reciprocate. Hell, you never even tried to apologize for anything and perform any act of contrition. I forgave you because I thought it would move us forward, but that was a huge mistake. Hell, you didn't even ask for forgiveness -- I just gave i to you, foolishly believing that you were on the same page as me. You wanted a divorce, not forgiveness. I'm finally giving that (divorce, not forgiveness) to you now. Sorry for the delay, I believed your half-hearted bullshit.

You changed from the man I married -- that man was fantastic. You are a shell of that man. I didn't make a mistake by marrying you -- I just should have realized that that man died a slow death. I bear enormous responsibility in that, and for that, I sincerely apologize. I owed this relationship more -- just always thought you would always be the man and person I thought you were. That was a fucked up assumption.

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