(No) Sex in the City

I am either quaintly old-fashioned or utterly repressed, as I am rarely comfortable discussing my sex life. Or, in present-day terms, the lack thereof. One on one with close friends, yes, but not so much as a public topic of conversation. At some point, I am going to have to visit that issue of my marriage, but not today.

No, today is about the first sexual thoughts I have had in a while -- a long while, at that. That's the good. The bad is that these thoughts (dreams) were about someone who is completely unavailable. In fact, I am probably attracted to him because he is a successful husband and father and is therefore unavailable and safe. He is also terribly smart and clever and we have many shared interests.

I am going to qualify all of this by stating up front that I know I probably shouldn't talk to this person anymore. Although our conversations are anything but sexual or even flirty, if I were his wife, I think I would feel.....uncomfortable that my husband had made a female friend that I hadn't met. Especially if it is an online friend. I realize this and am working it out in my head. On one hand, I really enjoy this friendship, but on the other, I am more than sensitive to how his wife would feel if she read our conversations. Like I said, absolutely NOTHING sexual or romantic or flirty. He talks about her and his family filled with pride and has never said anything negative about her -- and that is the few conversations when we're not talking about movies, books or politics. Nevertheless, and maybe it is because of these recent dreams, I feel guilty for having this friendship. Perhaps because I enjoy it so much.

So anyway, all that build up for what is probably only a hot story for me. A few nights ago, I had a dream about him. I have had the same dream for a few nights in a row now and I have to say, it feels good to feel sexual again. Even if I'm feeling sexual about someone I'll never have sex with.

In my dream, I met this person for dinner in NYC while we were both there on business. We were at my favorite place in the City and we had a fabulous dinner and conversation. Again, nothing sexual, but mildly flirty. The chemistry was thick and fun and fantastic, and at one point, we both realized the attraction was mutual. There was this long stare exchanged and then I spoke up. I told him that we both knew that nothing physical was going to happen between us because part of what we were attracted to was each other's character.

At that point, I told him, in very concise and descriptive details, what I would like to do with him if the situation were different (if he were available). He responded with his fantasy where I was concerned. I have to tell you, the whole thing was rather explicit and was rather arousing - to the point I actually woke up. I haven't had that hot of a dream in a long, long time, and mind you, there wasn't any sex in the fucking dream (no pun intended) -- just descriptions of "what we would do if we could" and the thrill of a mutual attraction with another person.

I know it doesn't seem like progress to have a wet dream over a married guy, but trust me, it sort of is. I haven't felt sexual in many, many moons and it just felt good to be aroused. It felt great to feel sexy. It felt exciting to be excited.

And now, I am a blogger who blogs about her dreams. Loathsome.