Merry Christmas!

I am wide awake at 3:30 am, but it is a good thing. I need to go to bed, but I wanted to get some thoughts down.

Today was a beginning of sorts. I was wide awake from last night and didn't get any quality REM, and the wine from last night was killing my head. I had a long phone call with J in which I gave her my forgiveness. She deserved it. She has been in a pretty shitty situation, given that her boss -- my soon-to-be-ex -- is dumping an amazing amount of shit on her. She made a choice to keep his secrets, although to her credit, she didn't keep in contact with me during the worst of it. I have a great deal of empathy for all of that, as I know that she, too, fell in love with a person who no longer exists. She really did believe in B but that is gone.

I found out some interesting details. By way of background, two years ago, I asked B to move out when I found out that he had had an affair. I didn't ask for details, other than "is it over?" and "is there anything else about this that will affect me?" I think I knew we were over, but hope, it does die slowly. I never even asked her name, although I came to learn she shared the name of my beloved aunt. Somehow, I filed that away in my head and didn't really think more of it. Denial, she is a powerful river. B told me some story about her being "psycho" (I rolled my eyes and showed him the door) and I really didn't think much more of it.

Apparently, he has been involved with this person consistently throughout our separation, despite claiming he had had to hire an attorney becasue she went nuts. Here's where it gets better -- B has been cheating on his new girlfriend with this person. Awesome. As much despair as I have felt as of late, I haven't fucked my life up the way he has utterly fucked his up his life. I don't wish him any ill will and only want him completely out of my life, but I realied that I will, in fact, survive and win this divorce. Holy shit. All those times he told me that I create strife in my head -- he can do it in real time. Knock yourself out buddy. You are absolutely out of my life.

I drove up to my parents' house tonight (they live overseas, but came home for Christmas). It was a white knuckle drive - I have shitty night vision and it was pouring out. I actually started hyperventilating and feeling light-headed because I was holding my breath during the rough spots. What really concerned me was that if I spun out and had a fatal car crash, B would be entitled to everything. I had a legal pad in the back of my car and ended up pulling over and writing a will. I know how insane that sounds, but yeah - welcome to my world. I am going to write a more comprehensive one next week, but that didn't make the 2 hour drive any easier.

B bought me a Marc Jacobs purse for Christmas. He doesn't know yet, but it is lovely. I thought about buying one for every one I know, but showed restraint.

At the end of the day, I came here and was wrapped in loving arms and support and realized that I missed so much of my life over the past ten years. I didn't even want a drink tonight, as I had so much around me that is real and loving and cool. My brothers? Seriously - no one should be this lucky. My sister is equally kickass (she hasn't made it here yet and I am starting to wonder) and my parents are so supportive. How I managed to ignore these magnificent human beings for years, I'll spend a lifetime regretting.

Merry Christmas to my friends who read this emo blog. I am truly humbled that I have made such good friends who care about me. Those of you that read this -- you need to know this -- I treasure you. More than you could ever know.