Worry

My sister is going to hate that I wrote this, but I am really fucking worried about B.

I know. I know. I shouldn't give B a second thought, let alone the weight of worry. But I am. He has kind of lost it.

He is blowing through cash. I shouldn't know this, of course, but we have too many mutual friends. We're talking over $50K in two months, with nothing to show for it. I considered drugs, even though he didn't do any (that I am aware of) during our marriage. I am currently on the theory that he is gambling. In any event, I am getting too many phone calls and too many signs that he is swirling down the drain. B was never good with money, but he was never this bad. Borrowing from our mutual single-mother friend bad.

I know B better than anyone. He doesn't have a confidant or anyone that he is bouncing his latest crisis off of. I don't want to be that person. I just hate that he doesn't have it and, honestly, he lies his ass off everytime he talks to me. I hate that I am more worried about him, and have expended more mental energy on that topic, than he would EVER afford me. But I was never about scorecards, and right now, I am just really worried about the man I was involved with for past decade or so. I need to learn the art of not caring, but tonight? Just worried. So very worried. And even if it isn't reciprocated, which it isn't (although there is a funny story to be told about him sending flowers to my grandfather's memorial, in both of our names), I am still worried. I honestly believe I will always worry about him, to some degree.