Doggie Yoga

I canceled both dates. I sort of kept the door open, but can completely understand if both men write me off. I have never had any kind of anxiety about social situations, but the prospect of having a bad date just freaks me out. I hate that awkwardness and, to be honest, am kind of afraid (!) to be at the mercy of someone I just don't know. Just typing that, I realize how goofy I sound. But while I am all confessional, I also believe that, if and when the situation is right, I will just know and I won't have any qualms about going out with someone new.

And that will probably be Writer Guy. My phone rang this morning at 8am, as I was headed to work:

Writer Guy: Hey, cupcake (Ed. note: he has completely co-opted my term. Bothersome. ) - want to have lunch with me today?

Me: You know, I have a ton of things on my plate today, but thanks for asking.

Writer Guy: Doggie yoga?

Me: Among other things.

Writer Guy: Too bad. I hate going to Salumi by myself.

Me: Damn. I am totally up for Salumi, but unfortunately, I am wearing horizontal stripes.

Writer Guy: *stunned silence for about ten seconds* Ummm....what did you just say?

Me: I'm wearing one of my favorite fall comfort sweaters. Love the colors, but horizontal stripes are bad on anyone.

Writer Guy: Okay. Several things to dissect here. Comfort sweater? Horizontal stripes? If you are wearing it to work, why can't you be seen in it at Salumi?

Me: *long sigh* Some people opt for comfort food when they need it. I have comfort clothes. I have comfort clothes, lucky clothes, sexy clothes, fuck you clothes, ass kicking clothes, fat clothes, skinny clothes - basically, I have clothes for almost any state of mind. And I am wearing this sweater because I love the colors and the history of good times I have had in this sweater. I planned on eating lunch at my desk, so the universe of people who will see me in my offending horizontal stripes is in the single digits.

Writer Guy: Fascinating. I have never been turned down on account of horizontal stripes. I find myself needing to see this cock-blocking sweater.

Me: Quite an assumption you are making. But let's talk this weekend.

Writer Guy: Oh we will. Talk to you soon.

approximately three hours later....

Receptionist: (beeping my office phone) K, your lunch appointment is here.

Me: I don't have a lunch appointment. It is too early for lunch (just before 11am) anyway.

Receptionist: Well, then, your lunch date is here. I'll send him to your office.

Writer Guy enters my office.....

Me: The hell?

Writer Guy: Well, it works when I show up at your place. Thought I would test it at your office. I like your sweater, by the way. Your eyes look greener.

Me: (grabbing coat) You can't make a habit of this. I am only deigning to go out in my horizontal stripes because Salumi is involved.

Writer Guy: Yes, I have picked up on your weakness for good meat. Let's go have another non-date.

later, as we are inhaling the best sandwiches in town......

Writer Guy: So I am assuming you have diligently Googled me, but what you might not know is that I write for a few different websites on the side, but under another name.

Me: (lying through my teeth) Dude, I don't Google. If there is something I want to know about you, I will ask you. I hope you do the same and not snoop through my virtual online medicine cabinet.

Writer Guy: Is this when you tell me that you don't watch television? Of course I Googled you, and I don't believe for a second you haven't Googled me. Besides, I only Googled you because I wanted to make sure you didn't write a blog or anything.

Me: *rolls eyes dramatically* You thought I was a blogger? Jesus.

Writer Guy: Not really, but the last girl I dated, she blogged our entire, short-lived relationship.

Me: Really? What's the name of her blog?

Writer Guy: You know, I couldn't write a character as entertaining as you.

Me: All I ask is for a mention in the credits.