Silver Linings

Perhaps it is just the optimism the permeates a new year - or hell, sometimes just a Monday for me - but I am starting to see more silver than gray. Maybe just saying (or writing) aloud that I have been depressed was an important first step in seeing better shades of gray.

I suspect that those closest to me have known for a while that I haven't been me for some time, and to be truthful, I am not entirely sure who me is anymore. But whereas in the recent past, this was daunting and troubling and an excuse to check out, it is now something different. Not an overnight revolution, but maybe just a revelation. I can change things to whatever I want.

I kind of stood still for the past few years, believing that I needed to hold steady while things were shaking out around me. I don't know if that was the best course of action, but I don't really care or regret it. Can't rewrite history or erase anything, but I don't need to dwell on it, either.

I don't want to write this kind of shit for too much longer. I want to write about what is happening, not what has happened. The P and I had a great conversation Saturday night about this very subject -- positive change and new directions don't often come knocking on your door when you're checked out in front of the television, or in your fifth book of the week, or knee deep into a bottle of wine. You discover them when you venture outside your self-created comfort zone.

I have always been gregarious and ready for adventure, but I have started and stopped more things in the past few years than I could ever keep track of. Friendships, relationships, classes, teams, and a whole host of other things that I let fall by the wayside. I'm going to get back to some of them, one baby step at a time.